Dog Bites Plods: Miscarriage of Justice

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Obviously Broken Britain’s courts are in dire need of a Solomonic wisdom resource as ‘dogmatic’ (sic) legalese and flawed rhetoric seem to defeat pure logic hands down in the blinkered eyes of the law.

In a case of not so much ‘letting the cat out of the bag’ but more of ‘a dog out of the front door’ - the owner of Gnasher, a pit bull terrier which tore five plods to shreds, has been found guilty under the 1991 Dangerous Bow-Wow Act of three offences of failing to control an anti-social pooch in a public place: and quite rightly so, the moronic majority of the goggle box / Page 3 media-addicted common herd will doubtless proclaim – far too many delinquent canine baby-biters around for comfort.

Alas, this is not quite the case as the cause and effect ‘responsibility’ for this miscarriage of justice does not lie with Gnasher (RIP – no flowers) nor on the shoulders of his owner, Mr Symieon Wormhole-Jaffacake, a person whose arrest and subsequent absurd and casuistic conviction become blatantly conspicuous and perhaps racially-motivated when one considers the fact he’s ‘coloured’ – but with the moronic Plod Squad themselves.

On the 22nd March this year a mob-handed squad of plods arrived outside Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake's house at Scally Terraces, Asbo Hamlets, in East London, to carry out a raid in connection with some suspiciously-unmentioned criminal investigation.
Typical of their training – or rather lack of such – they ignored the niceties of polite society by calling first to make an appointment, and instead marched straight up the garden path, then without further ado used a 16 kilo ‘Big Key’ battering ram to smash down the hapless bloke’s front door and rush inside without even having the common courtesy to wipe their boots first.

Det Con Ron McScrunt, who took up a tactically craven position behind the three uniformed plods as they forced their way into the house, informed one press hack from the Rabies Review that as soon as they broke down the door and stormed inside, they started storming back out again – with a large dog hanging off them.

Local residents, already home from an afternoon session at the pub and betting shop, were alerted by the Plod Squad’s screams and came outdoors to film the attack on their smart phones and run a book on who would come out on top – the plods or Gnasher.

One of the police raid team victims, PC Numpty, gave evidence of how Gnasher paid no attention to being hit with a borrowed pick axe shaft and Asp telescopic steel batons – the same police issue type now approved for murdering alcoholic news vendors – and proceeded to bite everyone dressed in a blue uniform.

“I heard PC Whimpby screamin’ his head off an’ it was the sort of scream yer make when somethin’ bad happens – like when a big dog’s bitin’ yer arm off."
"Our trainin’ never covered owt like this – havin’ ter deal wiv things that fight back - just punchin’ split-arsed pro-democracy protester bitches in the face an’ tippin’ Bolshie cripples outa their wheelchairs an’ draggin’ them across the road – or a worse case scenario of havin’ ter hold down some Brazilian electrician while one of the Force Recon’ Regiment’s thugs pumps half a clip of 9mm Black Talon rounds inter his skull.”

The trial at Inner London Crown Court heard that Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake made no attempt to call the animal off, claiming “Gnasher belongs ter me bitch Fellattia an’ it takes no effin’ notice of me. She’d gone out ter buy us some ganja ter smoke so there woz sod all I could do.”
From the witness box and under oath, the accused pleaded not guilty to the three charges under the Dangerous Bow-Wow Act and informed the court it was a pity the law didn’t have a ‘Stupid Plods Act’ to run alongside it.
“Anyway, it’s not the dog's fault as if the plods had the common courtesy ter knock at the door instead of smashin’ it down then I could have shoved Gnasher in his back garden cage and let the ham-fisted law in wivout any problems.”

After the five officers attempted to subdue Gnasher without success he copped for a double-double tap from a passing armed police officer who told the court he was glad of the real life situation target practice – trying to shoot the dog and not the plod he had locked between his jaws.

Judge Dinsdale Ffitch-Spatchcock, following legal arguments, instructed the jury that defence evidence showed the primary attacks which took place inside the house’s hallway and garden occurred on private property – but when the enraged pit bull pursued the fleeing officers into the public roadway it automatically breached the statutes of the Dangerous Bow-Wow Act.

In a futile attempt to introduce some element of common sense and logic into the proceedings, Wormhole-Jaffacake’s barrister, Ms Sue Fleecem QC of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot (Solicitors) admitted the police officers had been injured by Gnasher in a public place, but requested the jury to consider if the dog was ‘dangerously out of control’ when it bit them - or rather focusing ‘targeted aggression’ against the unknown men who forced entry to the house and were solely responsible for releasing it into the public environment by smashing down the front door and leaving the garden gate wide open in their rush to flee the premises - and then repeatedly hit the defenceless canine with steel batons – an act in breach of all RSPCA animal cruelty statutes.

Ms Fleecem further pointed out that Gnasher had not attacked anyone else in the street outside apart from the plods who made the unannounced forced entry into the dog’s domain without first checking, via the subtle route of pertinent neighbourhood inquiries, if Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake was likely to be armed to the gills with an arsenal of automatic firepower or weapons of mass distraction - or if the household had any sort of man-eating pets – such as velociraptors – or feral pit bull terriers – and were thus grossly delinquent in their duties by not first knocking at the door.

She concluded her address to the court and jury with the question “How can Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake stand in the dock today, accused of a criminal offence that was precipitated by the moronic actions of the police themselves? To quote the precepts of Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by another’s stupidity.”

Giving evidence on the late Gnasher’s behalf, owner Fellattia McSkanger told the court “I woz out at the market an’ I gets this text off me neighbour wot sez the effin’ plods had come round ter grab Symieon an’ trashed the front door an’ me little puppy had run out an’ woz barkin’ at them an’ the bastards started beatin’ the livin’ shit outa him wiv them nasty steel batons wot they carry, then another plod comes up an’ shoots him.”
“Gnasher would never hurt anyone unless they woz a burglar or tried ter break inter the house. – like wot the effin’ plods did.”

Conversely, the Crown Prosecutor presented damning evidence that Wormhole-Jaffacake had purposely used Common Purpose style NLP brainwashing techniques to train Gnasher to attack police officers by repeatedly smacking it across the face with a Mr Plod glove puppet when it was a puppy.

Stop press: Flatbroke’s the bookies pre-shooting odds: Gnasher 2 to 1 favourite / Plods 14 to 1.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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