Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Dog Bites Plods: Miscarriage of Justice

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Obviously Broken Britain’s courts are in dire need of a Solomonic wisdom resource as ‘dogmatic’ (sic) legalese and flawed rhetoric seem to defeat pure logic hands down in the blinkered eyes of the law.

In a case of not so much ‘letting the cat out of the bag’ but more of ‘a dog out of the front door’ - the owner of Gnasher, a pit bull terrier which tore five plods to shreds, has been found guilty under the 1991 Dangerous Bow-Wow Act of three offences of failing to control an anti-social pooch in a public place: and quite rightly so, the moronic majority of the goggle box / Page 3 media-addicted common herd will doubtless proclaim – far too many delinquent canine baby-biters around for comfort.

Alas, this is not quite the case as the cause and effect ‘responsibility’ for this miscarriage of justice does not lie with Gnasher (RIP – no flowers) nor on the shoulders of his owner, Mr Symieon Wormhole-Jaffacake, a person whose arrest and subsequent absurd and casuistic conviction become blatantly conspicuous and perhaps racially-motivated when one considers the fact he’s ‘coloured’ – but with the moronic Plod Squad themselves.

On the 22nd March this year a mob-handed squad of plods arrived outside Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake's house at Scally Terraces, Asbo Hamlets, in East London, to carry out a raid in connection with some suspiciously-unmentioned criminal investigation.
Typical of their training – or rather lack of such – they ignored the niceties of polite society by calling first to make an appointment, and instead marched straight up the garden path, then without further ado used a 16 kilo ‘Big Key’ battering ram to smash down the hapless bloke’s front door and rush inside without even having the common courtesy to wipe their boots first.

Det Con Ron McScrunt, who took up a tactically craven position behind the three uniformed plods as they forced their way into the house, informed one press hack from the Rabies Review that as soon as they broke down the door and stormed inside, they started storming back out again – with a large dog hanging off them.

Local residents, already home from an afternoon session at the pub and betting shop, were alerted by the Plod Squad’s screams and came outdoors to film the attack on their smart phones and run a book on who would come out on top – the plods or Gnasher.

One of the police raid team victims, PC Numpty, gave evidence of how Gnasher paid no attention to being hit with a borrowed pick axe shaft and Asp telescopic steel batons – the same police issue type now approved for murdering alcoholic news vendors – and proceeded to bite everyone dressed in a blue uniform.

“I heard PC Whimpby screamin’ his head off an’ it was the sort of scream yer make when somethin’ bad happens – like when a big dog’s bitin’ yer arm off."
"Our trainin’ never covered owt like this – havin’ ter deal wiv things that fight back - just punchin’ split-arsed pro-democracy protester bitches in the face an’ tippin’ Bolshie cripples outa their wheelchairs an’ draggin’ them across the road – or a worse case scenario of havin’ ter hold down some Brazilian electrician while one of the Force Recon’ Regiment’s thugs pumps half a clip of 9mm Black Talon rounds inter his skull.”

The trial at Inner London Crown Court heard that Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake made no attempt to call the animal off, claiming “Gnasher belongs ter me bitch Fellattia an’ it takes no effin’ notice of me. She’d gone out ter buy us some ganja ter smoke so there woz sod all I could do.”
From the witness box and under oath, the accused pleaded not guilty to the three charges under the Dangerous Bow-Wow Act and informed the court it was a pity the law didn’t have a ‘Stupid Plods Act’ to run alongside it.
“Anyway, it’s not the dog's fault as if the plods had the common courtesy ter knock at the door instead of smashin’ it down then I could have shoved Gnasher in his back garden cage and let the ham-fisted law in wivout any problems.”

After the five officers attempted to subdue Gnasher without success he copped for a double-double tap from a passing armed police officer who told the court he was glad of the real life situation target practice – trying to shoot the dog and not the plod he had locked between his jaws.

Judge Dinsdale Ffitch-Spatchcock, following legal arguments, instructed the jury that defence evidence showed the primary attacks which took place inside the house’s hallway and garden occurred on private property – but when the enraged pit bull pursued the fleeing officers into the public roadway it automatically breached the statutes of the Dangerous Bow-Wow Act.

In a futile attempt to introduce some element of common sense and logic into the proceedings, Wormhole-Jaffacake’s barrister, Ms Sue Fleecem QC of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot (Solicitors) admitted the police officers had been injured by Gnasher in a public place, but requested the jury to consider if the dog was ‘dangerously out of control’ when it bit them - or rather focusing ‘targeted aggression’ against the unknown men who forced entry to the house and were solely responsible for releasing it into the public environment by smashing down the front door and leaving the garden gate wide open in their rush to flee the premises - and then repeatedly hit the defenceless canine with steel batons – an act in breach of all RSPCA animal cruelty statutes.

Ms Fleecem further pointed out that Gnasher had not attacked anyone else in the street outside apart from the plods who made the unannounced forced entry into the dog’s domain without first checking, via the subtle route of pertinent neighbourhood inquiries, if Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake was likely to be armed to the gills with an arsenal of automatic firepower or weapons of mass distraction - or if the household had any sort of man-eating pets – such as velociraptors – or feral pit bull terriers – and were thus grossly delinquent in their duties by not first knocking at the door.

She concluded her address to the court and jury with the question “How can Mr Wormhole-Jaffacake stand in the dock today, accused of a criminal offence that was precipitated by the moronic actions of the police themselves? To quote the precepts of Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by another’s stupidity.”

Giving evidence on the late Gnasher’s behalf, owner Fellattia McSkanger told the court “I woz out at the market an’ I gets this text off me neighbour wot sez the effin’ plods had come round ter grab Symieon an’ trashed the front door an’ me little puppy had run out an’ woz barkin’ at them an’ the bastards started beatin’ the livin’ shit outa him wiv them nasty steel batons wot they carry, then another plod comes up an’ shoots him.”
“Gnasher would never hurt anyone unless they woz a burglar or tried ter break inter the house. – like wot the effin’ plods did.”

Conversely, the Crown Prosecutor presented damning evidence that Wormhole-Jaffacake had purposely used Common Purpose style NLP brainwashing techniques to train Gnasher to attack police officers by repeatedly smacking it across the face with a Mr Plod glove puppet when it was a puppy.

Stop press: Flatbroke’s the bookies pre-shooting odds: Gnasher 2 to 1 favourite / Plods 14 to 1.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Superb n brilliant - more common sense here than the courtroom.

Fletch said...

Plods, as Rusty terms them (we call the scum 'pigs')were right out of order. No brains, no sense - if this guy was terrorist-orientated, then maybe a booby trap behind the front door - explosive style and not just a big snarly pit bull.
Their mistakes are legion - a bunch of fucking over-rated amateurs in a professionals' playground.
Watch out for what might come next.
We will win this 'battle' of morons over common sense.

Anonymous said...

Right on Fletch buddy, the whole thing's just a practice run for martial law and total control - the 'system / establishment' testing the ground for what they can and cannot get away with - a trial run - same as 9/11, Madrid, 7/7 , Daivid Kelly murder, and so much more

Anonymous said...

Where they get / hire these tossers from is a question in itself. Just look at the litany of mistakes these clowns clock up. Are they rejects from G4S we wonder?

Bazzer said...

Rusty's got the right term for the lot - he calls them 'dog wankers' - wot means 'useless kunts'.

Kev - of Blackpool said...

Rusty's mention of the RSPCA at the end of his skit is right. No thinking ahead, these knobs let the dog out and it bit them , what do they expect i ask? My dog's a Jack Russel but hed still go for any twat that put an uninvited foot inside our door and tried to harm or even touch Val or me.

Wilf said...

Any justice in this world, the RSPCA shold do the plods responsible for beating the dog half to death then shooting it.

Anonymous said...

Right on Wilf. you gottit. These pricks caise the problem then try to blame it on someone thats not even the dogs owner as she was out.

Anonymous said...

This case has just got to go to appeal - so wrong.

Lin n Sue said...

Right on and true - appeal - flowers and a memorial service for Gransher (was that his name or Rusty's invention?) - and the RSAPCA prosecute the plods for animal cruelty - or fire the lot for stupidity.

Ringer said...

The entire court case / conviction is a travesty.
The question is - as Rusty subtly mentions - is WTF were the plods smashing the front door in for to start with? Was this bloke some international terrorist or drug smugling suspect?
Take no notice of Rusty's 'ganja' thing,, he's just making out that one side is as bad as the other - which might be right.
The filth were wrong the way they went about this and we're so glad the dog attack is all over YouTube and the plods screaming like the victims they belt to shit with steel batons at protests - that never make the press or internet. Karma. Your turn to be embarased and suffer.

Mrs Kit - single Mum - and strugglin said...

We know Gnasher's just a name Rusty's made up, but we need a memorial service - online perhaps or a Facebook page, so the poor dog's remembered and the police can' t do this again - like its just one year since they murdered Mark Duggan as well. Does this never stop or our kids there targets down the road??

Anonymous said...

Got yer Mrs Kit but justice is denied us thats not got any education wwhere we can protest and make our voices herd - true or what

Derv said...

Gnasher is a replay of Ian Tomlinson. Same format of idiocy involved by morons in uniform who shouldn't even be trusted with schoolkid road crossing Lollipop duty.
One of the Mets renta-thugs as Rusty refers to them was absolved of any part in Ian Tomlinson's death last week. Even though Ian was okay five minutes before until Harwood hit him across the back of the legs with thesame type of steel baton these pricks hit the pit bull with, then jknocks him onto h=the footpath hard and ten minutes later he falls over and dies.
Now that one needs a - whats the word - judiceal review. a retrial.
Same for the dog in this case.

Rick - Croydon said...

Cameron or Clegg needs to get their foot up the arse of this magistrates and crown court system because they aint working for the good of the peeple theyre meant to

Anonymous said...

hot potato - go for them. let the revolution begin - like mark duggab last year but this time for gnasher. bring the entire corupt system down

Anonymous said...

Oh well the plod squad what else can we expect from morons

Anonymous said...

pity justi=ce only applies to the likes of the dogs owner and not the police that cause the problem

deke said...

Like Rusty says, in all the news reports and links, there's no mention of why they were there and what the crime was they were supposed to be investigating.
Whats the terms he uses - conspicuous by theere absense - it is a fact. nobdy asking questions in court as to why they raid a palce and no charges for any crime only this crap with the dog what they caused to happen themselves.

Anonymous said...

dead right thease peple are not real as the law is above the law - right.

Anonymous said...

Scum in capitals

wiggins said...

Was this Dennis the Menaces dog?

Anonymous said...

the dog deserves a medal and we hope the case is tossed out on appeal

Zak said...

The RSPCA are conspicuous on comment in this case. Do the police get away with creating a crime scene as that is what has happened - and like the spoof states - rightly - no mention of any actual charges or crime that the police were there for and smashed the door in. another case of the wrong adress?

Anonymous said...

You couldn't make this stuff up. The plods are a bunch of tossers

Feral said...

Like Rustys Hanlons Razor philosophy quote, that fits the police actions and lack of naunce perfectly