Britain is Broken: Cannot be Mended

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As a stellar illustration of what the gross incompetence of successive governments (Major / Bliar / Broon / Scameron-Clogg) since the menopausal maniac days of Mad Maggie - coupled with the inherent graft and corruption culture that goes with power politics - has done to bring Britain to its current sad state of de-industrialised ‘brokenness’ - on the 29th June a 48-year-old unemployed man chained himself to a row of railings outside the Smelly Oak Joblesscentre in Birmingstan, doused his person with a litre of decaffeinated gasoline obtained on credit from the Wonga payday loan shop, then set himself alight - in protest of having his welfare benefits revoked.

This horrific event is the direct outcome of the austerity measures implemented by the Conservative / Librarian-Dummercrat Coalition - wherein the ‘victim’ had been previously assessed by a medical board and pronounced ‘vulnerable’, with longstanding health issues - but in accordance with the government’s revised penny-pinching ‘Parsimony Doctrine’, he was recently judged as being as “fit as a fiddle” by a work-capability assessment board, ordered to find a job - and his unemployment benefit payments cancelled.

In light (no pun intended) of the above self-immolation incident, apparently inspired by a Discovery Channel episode about attention-seeking Buddhist monks in Tibet, Ian Duncan Smith, the grossly-incompetent Minister for Works & Pensions (and Tory MP for Chigley and Camberwick Green) has issued official policy guidance on how to deal with a claimant who threatens suicide – now leaked to the Whistle Blowers Gazette by snitching moles working for the Ox-Rat civil rights abuse watchdog charity.

The 350-page guidelines handbook – aptly titled ‘Self-Harm Help for Dummies’ – will be henceforth adopted by all government departments and quangos dealing with the unwashed benefit-claiming public to assist in managing real and false suicide declarations from customers with an attitude.

Page 1 of the ‘secret’ manual - (which will contain the national switchboard phone number for the Samaritans and an illustrated first-aid CPR section - plus a tourniquet) - states: “Some unemployed slob may say they intend to hang themselves or rip their own heads off as a threat or tactic to ‘persuade’ a DWP or Jobcentre counsellor to approve their benefit claim, while others will mean it and actually slash their carotid artery in an act of ultimate despair when searching the in-house computer database for non-existent jobs.”

“Thus as it is an impossible task to differentiate between individuals only posing a self-harm threat and those that mean it, counsellors being at the frontline should alert their in-house G4S Renta-Moron security guard at the first sign of trouble and have the client sectioned in the nearest nuthouse under the statutes of mental health legislation before they get chance to spill their own disembowelled intestines all over the centre’s carpet.”

Bev Titwank, an appeals officer for Disability Solutions, a charity group that assists benefit claimants bent on a futile mission to overturn negative decisions made following work capability assessment tests that found them fit for work, related one applicant, a quadriplegic who could only move his lips and bat his eyelids, was declared fit for work by the bonkers assessment panel, his benefits curtailed and sent for an interview as a quality control tester at Wrigleys chewing gum factory.

The forecast increase in welfare benefit claimant suicides has been predicted to occur once the Libservative Coalition’s Welfare Reform Bill passes through the House of Conmans and hundreds of thousands of hapless unemployed and disabled peasants are stricken from the basic social security benefit rolls due the intended draconian sanctions. In readiness, Jobcentres are being supplied with stocks of body bags to deal with the self-harm fatalities.

The government intends to transfer all 2:4 million claimants, which ministers and DWP staff alike all view with contempt, onto Employment Support Allowance which they’ll only receive when they find – wait for it – ‘employment’ – a remuneration reward package colloquially referred to as ‘wages’ or ‘a salary’.
Under the ESA scheme all 2:4 million people will face re-testing – with five hundred hurriedly-hired pikey doctors tasked to expedite 10,000 assessments per week over the next five years.

The vital youth of our once-sceptred isle – a nation’s greatest asset - account for a substantial section of the total jobless, with one million aged below 25 out of work – and that number set to increase at a geometric rate now school leavers walk out of the classrooms for the last time in July – and into a job-famine wilderness where the majority of industrial employers have forgotten what the term 'apprenticeship’ means and simply hire another language-challenged economic migrant from the EUSSR willing to work for shit wages.

Chantelle McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate – the biggest NEET blackspot in the known Universe where every home has at least one Asbo resident – told one press hack from the Self-Harmers Gazette that: “Personally I blame this clusterfuck of a Libservative Coalition an’ that smarmy posh twat Scameron fer the unemployment mess an’ slashin’ our effin’ benefits.”

“I had a real cosy deal goin’ before I had ter show me arse at some ‘assessment board’ an’ these tossers sez “Yer fit ter work so shove yer kids in a day nursery an’ get a job” – then they stop me child benefit an’ what-have-yer an’ I can’t even afford a decent bottle of plonk anymore an’ had ter start suppin’ that Shite Lightnin’ cider and Meths Breezers crap wot yer get from the booze section of the Pound Stretcher shops.”

“So fuck ‘em, I say, an’ me an’ me mate Feral Beryl leaves the kids wiv her Mum of a night an’ we heads down ter the Gay Village an’ Canal Street floggin’ our gollies – wot’s all cash in hand an’ tax free undeclared income – an’ this poxy government can stick their benefits up their effin’ jacksy.”

So much for dysfunctional families. Britain’s ‘broken’ as it’s being run by Scameron and Clogg’s ‘dysfunctional government’. As to Posh Dave’s Big Society concept, staffed wholly by ‘volunteers’ – well that’s doomed to fail as the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of a volunteer states ‘Someone who has totally misunderstood the question put to them’.
The entire shebang’s a circus without a tent - a Dog & Pony Show – and we’ve seen better organised riots.

Oh yes, it truly is one hell of a mismanaged fiasco, where the public purse bails out private banks for their incompetence, who then turn around and fail to provide the needed credits to businesses and entrepreneurs, indirectly damaging the economy by impeding employment and businesses’ development, which since the last bailout has contributed to the worst manufacturing performance in more than three years and proves beyond all reasonable doubt that the coalition’s cuts and austerity policies are achieving the same success as trying to shove butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle.

During the mad cow disease epidemic the government tracked a single suspect of the bovine species in Cumbria back to where it was born at the other end of England three years previously – but today we are informed that our Borders Agency is clueless when it comes to locating some 160,000 illegal immigrants wandering around Britain.

Thought for the day: The grossly underestimated ‘official’ number of unemployed peasants in Britain, still signed on at the Joblesscentre now stands at 2.48 million – with a further 2 million who no longer qualify for unemployment benefits so can’t be arsed signing on for nothing and wasting their time searching for non-existent work.

So, what’s the next soundbite promo’ from Downing Street’s ‘Nudge Unit?
“Unemployed? No jobs in sight? The G4S Renta-Thug’s ‘Bridging the Gap’ programme failed you too? Don’t become a burden on government. Have you considered suicide – the easy way out?”
Hmmm, a pity the benefit-less unemployed homeless don’t consider another option: a full-circle socio-political revolution and the overthrow of the corrupt and fatally-flawed capitalist system that has wrought this calamitous state of affairs upon them.

A wise maxim states that a society can be judged by how it treats its most vulnerable members – the disabled - which currently translates as a total condemnation of this pantomime farce of a Libservative Coalition government.

And we know how this pathetic excuse for a ‘government’ and our national Plod Squad thugs feel about ‘the disabled’ - and their disgusting attitude towards the ‘responsibility of care’. Just Google up ‘student tuition fee protests 2010’ and see how they treated Jody McIntire – tossed out of his wheelchair and dragged by the scruff of the neck across the road – “for his own protection” – no less.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.