Friday, 24 June 2011

Taliban Morale Boosted as NATO Quits

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following a series of dummy-spitting diatribes and generalised criticism from the ingrate President of Afghanistan, Hamid Kami-Karzai and his government of nepotistic appointees, over the burgeoning catalogue of ‘unacceptable collateral damage’ incidents in which legions of orphanages, hospitals, schools and peasant hovels have been accidentally targeted by NATO forces since 2001, resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of non-combatants, the US-led Coalition of the Willing is to be renamed the ‘Coalition of the Unwilling’ and are preparing to repatriate their surviving troops en masse.

This latest Vatican-approved ‘strategic withdrawal’ strategy by NATO is seen in some Western military tactician’s eyes as the best positive morale-booster the Taliban forces have received since the Soviets said ‘fuck it’ on Christmas Eve in 1989 and pissed off back home to Russia for Yuletide, leaving the Taliban Dan Gang free to take charge and publicly castrate and butcher the Communist President Mohammad Najibullah - before giving him a high speed Top Gear style tour of Kabul – by being dragged along naked behind a truck – which resulted in the coroner filing a verdict of ‘Death by Gravel Rash’.

The defeatist ‘Quit and Depart’ threat was initiated by the US Kenyan cuckoo, President O’Barmy, who directed his rug-munching Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, to inform Afghanistan’s Kleptocracy Party government that due Karzai’s demand for NATO to stop killing anyone old enough to bleed, they intend to perform an about-face with Operation Surge and are withdrawing the 30,000 GI’s currently staffing the ranks of the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and the 18th Body Bag Brigade.

Not wishing to be left out, and once again opening his big mouth before engaging brain, France’s short-arsed ‘Mini-Me’ President Sarkozy informed one gutter press hack from Paris’s prestigious Le Twatte magazine that he also now intends to employ a copy cat strategy and pull out 4,000 French troops by the end of July – an announcement which prompted raised eyebrows at NATO HQ in Brussels from the British military commander, Field Marshall Sir Irwin Bogbrush, that he wasn’t aware the French actually had any troops deployed in the Afghan combat theatre – and if so, where the fuck were they hiding – in the abandoned caves of Tora Bora, along with the Italian military contingent and a flock of shell-shocked goats?

Posh Dave Scameron’s UK government, via the naïve lips of the Foreign Secretary Willy Vague, who is currently in the war-torn shithole to meet with Hamid Kami-Karzai - and boost the British troop’s morale by informing them they’re getting hit with further pay cuts, had only days prior to all this ‘Let’s Get the Fuck Outa Here!’ hysteria kicking off, pledged to stay as long as they’re needed in the Graveyard of Empires.

Hence this totally duplicitous turncoat manoeuvre by the UK’s Libservative Coalition to go along with the US military’s ‘Operation Retreat’ and withdraw 10,000 British troopers – if Special Forces are also included – (Special Forces - the ones lucky enough to be equipped with body armour and real guns) - will essentially pull the plug on both their ongoing Plan Fubar and Project Snafu campaigns in Bellend Province and force the Afghan Army to get on with guarding their own poxy opium crops and TAPI gas pipeline.

The congenitally-disingenuous Vague tried to diminish the actual depth of crisis that will erupt when NATO forces are withdrawn, and informed one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that Britain had led the way in persuading US President O’Barmy that ‘negotiation’ with the hard-arsed Taliban was the best potential solution to the conflict.
The Taliban responded to Vague’s moronic announcment by promptly dispatching a score of suicide bombers from their 13th Semtex Vest Battalion to blow up government offices around Kabul – along with themselves – and issued an accompanying press statement of “Negotiate This, Motherfuckers!”

In contrast, Taliban spokesman Ras al Shitbag told a journalist from the Goat Bonkers Review that the insurgency would continue until all foreign forces were killed, expelled or left of their own accord – and President Barky O’Barmy’s announcement was typical of the Great Satan – and symbolic of a quitter.

“The Taliban patriots of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan have Allah the All-Powerful on our side, not some second-rate God who sits on his arse and watches his son Jesus get crucified on the orders of the heathen Sanhedrin Jews. We shall drive out the infidels with their tails between their legs and cast them into the eternal fires of Jahannum, to be tormented for all time by Iblis and his cohort of demons.”
“So, it is good that they are quitting. Now we can at last draw up a vacation roster for our mujihadeen fighters and go surfing in Hawaii.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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