Pope Closes Down Monastery Bordello

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Perhaps posing a parallel to the salacious antics of the 17th century hell-raising Ursuline nuns at the convent of Loudun, the renowned Italian monastery of Santa Lecher the Libertine, where monks staged concerts featuring a lap-dancer-turned-nun and opened a whorehouse with 24/7 room service, has been shut down on orders from the Boss in the Vatican.

Since the German-built ‘Ratflinger’ Mk XVI papal model, popularly known as ‘Pope Benny’, initiated a crackdown on loose living and kiddie fiddling within the Catholic church, twenty-plus Cistercian monks have been evicted from the monastery at the basilica of Santa Lecher in Gerusalemme, which once hosted some of the church's holiest relics – including Jesus’ graduation photo and the Virgin Mary’s immaculate hymen - until they got flogged off on Bargain Hunt to finance the monk’s libertine lifestyle.

An inquiry in March discovered irrefutable evidence of liturgical and financial irregularities as well as lifestyles that were not in keeping with that of a celibate community of monks – such as cross-dressing and trans-gender surgical proceedures. Reports claiming the monks amassed large debts to Threshers, Bargain Booze, Oddbins and Victoria’s Secret have also emerged after the Vatican’s accounts department was inundated with unpaid bills for goods supplied and services rendered.

Rumours abound that the monks' days have been numbered since 2009, when the Vatican sacked their flamboyant abbot, Father Belino Fuckerotti, a former Sicilian pimp who built up a cult following among Rome's fashionable aristocratic crowd as well as celebrity worshippers such as the manky Paris Hilton, who prayed before the altar of the monastery’s chapel in 2008 for God to cure her multitude infections of venereal disease, ranging from common or garden gonorrhoea to galloping mingerot.

In 2009 Sister Bocchino Bagascari (nee Fellattia Gamarouche), a former nightclub dancer and three hole suck and swallow artist who became a nun at the adjacent St Sappho of the Sacred Godemiche Convent, was invited to perform her "holy dance" before an audience including Archbishop Frocio Finocchio, head of the Vatican's cultural department.

During her enactment Sister Bocchino, who claims she utilises dance as a form of prayer, lay spread-eagled in front of the altar with a lighted candle stuffed up her ass, while dildoing her sopping snatch with a crucifix, while rhythmically gyrating her hips and buttocks as in her orgasmic pole-dancing routine.

Further scandalously damning behaviour regarded the monks opening a shop purportedly selling home-grown organic produce from their kitchen garden, but this was shut down in 2009 amid accusations of their having secretly stocked the shelves from the Nordiconad Greedy Grocer supermarket – plus were also selling Black Mamba ribbed condoms and full strength Viagra.

The Italian newspaper Figura di Merda reported that VIP guests, including Prime Minister Slimio Berlusconi and his stable of underage Moroccan harlots, stayed at the monastery’s ‘motel’ which offered ‘theme rooms’ with mirrored ceilings and a ‘happy ending’ rub n tug full body massage service – plus erotic Thai ladyboy ‘therapists’ available 24/7 – and a BD/SM dungeon fully equipped with torture instruments left over from the Inquisition.

The Vatican's removal of the monks to other monasteries, ending their 500-year presence at the basilica, follows Pope Benny’s hard line with other wayward monastic orders, including the Cheesy Crust Sepulchre of the Holy Pizza in Milan and the Florence-based St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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