NHS GPs to Act as Thought Police

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The blueprint for a swathe of outrageously Draconian counter-terrorism measures being proposed by the Libservative coalition government to be included in the controversial NHS restructuring strategy are getting fairly and squarely lambasted by a public relations backlash due their extreme fascist overtones.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the incumbent Tory MP for Smegmashire’s ‘Old Scrotum’ constituency and head honcho at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next - the architects and proponents of the government's ‘Snitch n Prevent’ programme – which is being established under the ubiquitous ‘Problem-Reaction-Solution’ rationale of combating terrorism – announced to the House of Conmans assembly today that the ‘Pre-Crime Assessment’ concept is being reformulated as a strategy for recruiting family doctors to both spy on their patients, then provide feedback for the security service authorities on those they suspect of harbouring potential terrorist ideals and sympathies.

Conversely, Bazzer McScrote, the spokesman for Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, opined to one press hack from the Stasi Gazette that “It’s a complete effin’ contradiction of the private doctor-patient relationship, taskin’ quacks ter identify an’ target sickies wot they reckon – in their totally unqualified opinion - is susceptible ter recruitment by some Jolly Jihad terrorist group wot hates our democratic freedoms – whatever the fuck they are since 9/11 an’ New Labour’s Tony Bliar got done emasculatin’ the statutes of Magna Carta an’ the 1689 Bill of Rights - an’ then report the suspects ter that bunch of shifty twats wot’s real thick wiv Mossad an’ the CIA, an’ runnin’ Thames House an’ Vauxhall Cross.”

“Fer fuck’s sake, yer can’t even get more than five minutes wiv yer effin’ doctor so how the fuck are they gonna assess yer fer potential extremist or terrorist views? Yer get in there fer the doc ter check out yer haemorrhoids and while yer bent over an' he’s takin’ a butchers at yer arse, yer casually mention “Do yer mind examinin’ me prostate fer tumours while yer down there?” – an’ he sez “Yer gotta book another appointment fer that me lad – yer five minute appointment’s nearly up.”

“So, wot comes next, I’d like ter ask yer – the sanctity of the Roman Catholic confessional nullified, wiv the priest grassin’ yer up ter the local Gestapo Plod Squad fer a few bob after yer told him in confidence that yer jacked off over some Arab slapper called Fatima dressed in a see-through burkha on the Desperate Bedouin Wives website?”

With regard to historical reflection, this course of reprehensible action parallels the same socio-political theology Stalin applied to keep his Soviet gulags filled to capacity – presuming the guilt of innocent individuals before a crime has been committed – and so well prophesied by Orwell with his Thought Police – and too Franz Kafka: guilty until proven innocent.

So, c’est la vie, a family GP’s perception that a patient, who they see on average only once in a blue moon, might pick up a month’s old copy of the Al Qaeda
Review while in the waiting room and decide on the spur of the moment to convert from the Church of What’s Happening Now faith to fundamental Islam and become a terrorist – or perhaps arouse suspicions that they’re susceptible to pursuing an insurgent, nihilistic ideology due some perceived personality trait – such as sporting an ‘Insha’Allah’ tattoo on the back of one’s neck – or toting a copy of an Airbus A300 flight manual – or the Jihadist’s Gazette – or a Koran – or going into the doctor’s surgery hefting an AK47 and wearing a turban and a Semtex suicide vest – might well prove enough to get that patient’s name entered into MI5’s ‘Naughty Book’.

According to the Scumwatch Weekly, the UK’s blonde moment Home Secretary, Theresa Maybe, has confirmed approval of the proposed guidelines laid out by Sir Irwin Bogbrush, but attempted to diffuse criticism of the pro-Muslim focus strategy in Parliament by expanding the scope of potential terrorist profiling from one-eyed hook-handed manky Mullahs to include people who claim MI6 agents assisted at Dr David Kelly’s suicide – plus animal rights activists, Pancake Tuesday Adventists, Flat Earthers, 9/11 and 7/7 false flag conspiracy theorists – and anyone else or their dog who disses Israel as a rogue state and is guilty of Holohoax denial - or refers to Barky O’Barmy as ‘the Kenyan cuckoo’.

Thought for the day: If you’re a Muslim and look a bit more permanently sun-tanned than your average pallid Anglo-Saxon Brit’, then make sure your family GP’s ethnic origins are of a similar nature to your own – and they’re preferably from the same ‘Stan’ as your forefathers.

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.