Brian the Snail: Sacked for Sloth

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A hapless charity worker who crawled round the 26 mile route of the 31st London Marathon on his hands and knees last April while dressed as Brian the Snail, the ‘gay gastropod’ character from the BBC’s Tragic Roundabout children’s programme, has been sacked for being too slow and not reaping a sufficient harvest of financial donations.

The Action for Sprogs fundraiser Bazzer Fuctifino had hoped to rake in at least £100,000 for the charity but received just over £200 quid – with half of that being in Pestco Greedy Grocer vouchers and Pukesbury’s nasty Nectar points.

The 69-year-old former tortoise polisher who hails from Smegamadale-on-Sea - and candidly admits his fetish for bizarre, masochistic pursuits - has successfully raised what chartered accountants refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ for needy causes over the years, yesterday confided to a gutter press hack from the Ingrates Gazette that he was ‘right gobsmacked’ by the charity’s Board of Trustees’ decision to terminate his services.

Conversely, Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, the £250,000 per annum salaried CEO of Action for Sprogs, informed reporters that Mr Fuctifino was given notice and fired due taking too long to complete the marathon course – plus the subsequent financial losses incurred by the charity from publicity and support costs that his asinine stunt of crawling around the 26 mile route dressed as a snail had failed to reimburse.

Spatchcock rationalised that while ‘Brian’ was accompanied at the start of the course by other well-meaning morons dressed as characters from the Tragic Roundabout, including Florence the Naughty Nympho, Ermintrude the Cow, Dylan the Rampant Jack Rabbit, Dougal the Dog, Zebedee the Jack-in-a-Box Spring – and Mr Rusty, the kiddie-fiddling old paedo’ carousel operator, they actually completed the marathon several hours later and didn’t take a total of three and a half weeks apiece, like the snail.

“While we never expected ‘Brain’ to win the £1,000,000 nicker first prize, neither did we expect him to take 26 days to complete the course – crawling along at one mile per day regardless of being kicked in the arse to giddy him up.”
“Then we had all these unscheduled stops and unbudgeted medical costs when his knees got blistered,and to change clothes after being pissed on by passing dogs cocking their legs. Really, it’s incredulous, entering a marathon race as the slowest animal on Earth – why didn’t he choose to be that Mexican mouse character, Speedy Gonzales – or the Road Runner, instead?”
“Even Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous High Street bookies, while taking bets that he wouldn't complete the marathon course never thought to give odds that he’d take 26 days.”

In his own defence Mr Fuctifino – aka Brian - related to the media that this was the hardest marathon he’d ever undertaken – far surpassing the efforts required for previous madcap fundraising efforts when he took five days to complete the 2002 London Marathon in a deep sea diving suit – and his 2008 bid to swim the English Channel while dressed as Sir Lancelot - in a suit of medieval armour – failed due to him persistently sinking.

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