Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Brit Army Opt For Mass Redundancy

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Ministry of Defence (formerly the Ministry for War) the overall size of the British Army is to fall from the current figure of 100,000 strong to 70,000 not-so-strong due a mass exodus after thousands of its fittest officers and soldiers applied for voluntary redundancy.

Without recognising the pantomime significance of the date, last April 1st, the Army announced it was contemplating making 1,000 soldiers redundant as part of its reaction to the 2010 Strategic Defence and Security Review - forecasting that half of that number would be voluntary - but in fact was barn-stormed with over 30,000 applicants wishing to get the fuck out of harm’s way before they too ended up as body bag fillers after falling victim to snipers or an IED on one of the UK’s ever-expanding fields of conflict.

According to a critical report in this week’s Warmongers Gazette, the British Army is in disarray and facing collapse due the surge in applications for redundancy – with thousands of highly experienced colonels, majors, and senior NCOs from the 18th Cannon Fodder Regiment, currently deployed in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province, opting for voluntary redundancy.

This has raised fears at the MoD that the Army will be unable to preserve the right balance of experience to maintain its commitments for future conflicts - specifically the planned autumn 2011 ground invasions of Libya and Syria – and the Pakistan and Iran campaigns scheduled for 2012.

Ministry of Defence spokesman Sir Jarvis Bogbrush informed gutter press hacks that “Obviously the bloody idea’s gone overboard. Now we have troopers from all ranks that are dissatisfied with pay and conditions – especially the slashing of their traditional head-hunting ‘scalp bonus’ which Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron’s Libservative coalition government put the stops to last March. The traditional attractive opportunities for travel and sport, water skiing in the tropics and picking up cheap three hole foreign whores, have all gone now too – and the entire military machine is running on a shoe string and over-stretched with getting ourselves entangled in these US-led neo-colonial wars of aggression since the 9/11 false flag attacks in 2001.”

Speaking for the Army’s representative Warmongers Union, Jacko Scrote explained to the media that many squaddies have become disillusioned with the returns and career prospects of British military life – contracting Gulf War syndrome from battlefield contamination with depleted uranium - and want the same deal as the Muslim terrorists fighting for Big Al Qaeda’s gang and the Taliban’s Jolly Jihad muhijadeen receive – the promise of 72 perpetual virgins on completion of service – or death in combat – whichever comes first.

Sgt Genghis McSkanger, from the 21st Blood & Guts Brigade, interviewed on the BBC’s ‘War Criminals Hour’, revealed “ There’s just not the same idealistic challenges wot there used ter be – now it’s all killin’ civilians an’ water boardin’ some hapless goat herdin’ twat called Achmed who might know where Bin Laden’s mates are hidin’ out.”

“Wiv me it woz a ‘Road ter Damascus’ type of ‘Pauline conversion’. There we’d be, guardin’ the poppy crops up at Kandahar an’ smokin’ a couple of pipes of opium, then we’d get bored an’ go an’ gang bang a couple of sheep – then call up the NATO HQ in Kabul an’ report Taliban rebel activity at one of them effin’ hovels down in the valley an’- just fer a bit of a laugh – light up some poxy hospital or school wiv the targetin’ laser an’ the next thing there’s this effin’ big “Ka-fuckin’-Boom!” as one of the Yank’s UAV MQ-9 Reaper drones would flatten the fucker wiv a pair of Shitehawk missiles.”

“An’ that’s when it got ter me – all these little kids runnin’ around screamin’ an’ burnin’ an’ covered in willy-pete – an’ never gonna play hopscotch in the minefields again or practice their soccer footwork wiv them little explosive bomblet balls wot comes out of the cluster munitions.”

“Anyways, I turns ter me mate Pitbull an’ sez “This is fucked, I gotta get me an honest job” – an’ that’s why I’ve put in fer redundancy so I can hang out at the Jobcentre wiv me civvy pals an’ shoot the breeze down at Troublespot Taverns all afternoon, gluggin’ pints of Old Headbanger lager.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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