Cucumbers off Dyke Café Menu

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Cucumbers have been struck off a German salad bar menu with a vengeance at the Dainty Dykes Organic Café in Düsseldorf following the hospitalisation of Ms Sapphie Godermiche, the daytime sous chef, who fell ill with a sexually-contracted E-coli infection while masturbating with one of the phallic veggies in the toilet during her lunch hour.

The outbreak remains centred on Germany where there have been thousands of cases of that most virulent type of ballistic diarrhoea, colloquially referred to as the ‘Screaming Shits’ - and several hundred reports coming in of the potentially deadly E-coli infection complication of Galloping Mingerot in the upper snatch due desperate lezzies using the salad veg’ as makeshift dildos.

German Health Minister, Hermann van Dork, informed one press hack from the Plague Watchers Gazette that “Up until a few days ago we originally thought the source of the infection was from Spanish cucumbers and confined to our lesbian community as all the victims have been gay women - until some inconsiderate twat of a guy upset the status quo and became ill yesterday while tucking into a Caesar’s salad for lunch. Now it’s all back to the Advanced Guessology department and see who’s next on the shit list to get blamed.”

Apparently the Spanish Agriculture Minister Juan Twothree spit the proverbial dummy, telling reporters “It’s not our cucumbers, we don’t have a single case of a Spanish lesbian coming down with this E-coli infection from reaming herself with one – even after several clinical trials involving cucumbers, courgettes, aubergines, bananas and a vegetable marrow. This is those evil corrupt bastards at the EUSSR headquarters in Belgium, dissing our cucumbers so people will buy their flatulence-generating Brussels sprouts instead.”

Conversely, Ms Minjeeter Rugmuncher of Twat-Watch, the international sentinel charity monitoring Western government dirty tricks - including false flag attacks and demonising the worshippers of Islam – spoke to reporters from both the Euthanasia Review and the Genocide Weekly, stating for the public record “This outbreak in Germany is a completely new highly virulent and toxic strain of the bacteria, a mutant form of two different types of E. coli called ST131 – which is resistant to antibiotics in the fluoroquinolone and cephalosporin classes.”

“According to our contacts at Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers charity, their boffin beardies and anoraks reckon it’s yet another of the Illuminati’s nasty Agenda 21 gender cum genetic and race specific bio-plague weapons getting tested for effectiveness on the common sheeple – like that other synthetic designer plague, the chemtrail-spread Morgellon’s Disease.”

“Doubtless it has been specially cultured by the ZioNazi United States Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta – with ‘control’ being defined as ‘spreading the shit’ indiscriminately – just the same as they did with the airborne Coughing Duck flu virus , then the Sneezy Pig virus – but in this case sprayed all over the cucumber skins and injected into the pith.”

“Same scenario as in Broken Britain this week with the surprise appearance of a new MRSA superbug in cow’s milk that’s infecting humans – another sinister bio-lab-engineered experimental plague to thin our numbers down to half a billion subservient slaves.”

“It is not rocket science and we don’t need that great English detective Shylock Holmes and his trusty sidekick Dr Snotson, hot in pursuit of the evil Freddy Fagin and the Rabbi Rothshite and their kikester crime syndicate to work out it’s a purposeful and deliberate attack on the Pan-European lesbian community – just as the Rockefeller scum had Big Pharma and the WHO spread AIDS throughout Africa in their smallpox vaccinations – and then in the US though hepatitis shots to gay males – and now we have the super nerd-turd Bill Gates sponsoring millions of Third World deaths with toxic vaccination programmes to get rid of the useless eaters.”

“These venal Club of Rome eugenicists and ethnic cleansing scumbags who create things like the Protocols of the Greedy Bastard Elders of Zion, and the psychopathic Georgia Guidestones are the ones behind this latest outrage and crime against humanity to cull the Earth’s population of five billion souls that this deranged cabal of society elitists term the ‘useless eaters’.”

“Some joke, eh – useless eaters – they should start in Wall Street and Congress – and then in the City of London and Westminster – and every royal palace across Europe - and the kiddie fiddling Vatican – and cull the parasites and useless eaters there - then we might just achieve peace on Earth.”

Thought for the day: fuck the ZioNazi Illuminati and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.