Flawed Exams Drove Students to Suicide

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A series of blatant errors in a fault-ridden AS-level examination paper confronted hapless teenage students with questions that were impossible to answer when utilising the faculties of the human brain - with which most were equipped - or by applying the orthodox methodology and recognised parameters of physics and theoretical science.

Just over 6,800 teenagers (6,801) sat the paper - set by the OCR’s (Oxford, Cambridge and RSA Examinations) gurus of higher academia - in 335 schools and other exam centres across England, Wales and Northern Ireland last Thursday.
One flawed question – “How long is a piece of string?” - carried eight marks out of a total of 72 being awarded for the slipshod test paper.
A further perplexity had students asking the Proctor for copies of a gutter press tabloid in a bid to solve the riddle of: How many times is it possible to fold a newspaper in half?

a) Once
b) Twice
c) Three to four times
d) Five - if a hammer is used
e) Six times – with the help of two strong friends

Since being made aware that several of the negligently-compiled exam questions were undecipherable, Sir Jarvis Cockleberry, head of the OCR Matriculation Board, has issued a broad brush apology to all concerned, stating for the public record that candidates who were unable to answer the self-contradictory and bizarre conundrums that comprised the examination’s content – correctly or otherwise - would not be disadvantaged by the mistake and receive full marks.

However a cadre of students writing on the Twatter social networking site, have called for the exam to be re-set – preferably by someone with an actual academic qualification composing the test questions the next time around and not farming it out to the OCR’s Paradox Department – or the pikey canteen staff and cleaners.

One 16-year old pupil sitting the exam became so stressed when faced with a string of ‘unanswerables’ that he chewed his fingernails down to bloody stumps at the knuckles – then suffocated himself into a coma by sticking his head in a Pestco Greedy Grocer carrier bag.

Another student, whose mother, Hilda Skank, contacted the Ministry of Education’s SNAFU website, revealed that her son had been so distressed to find questions that appeared impossible he’d suffered a fatal lack of self-esteem anxiety attack, turned the flawed exam paper into a suicide note and scribbled ‘Goodbye cruel world’ on the back of it - then gone into self-harm mode and stabbed himself repeatedly with a ball pen.

Mrs Skank told press hacks “It’s not bleedin’ good enough – we’re expected ter cough up £9,000 quid a year ter send our kids ter college an’ uni’ an’ the effin’ morons runnin’ the education system can’t even get the effin’ exam questions right. I mean ter say, who the fuck’s compiling this stuff – Wallace and Gromet?”

Ironically, the OCR Matriculation Board exam body has announced that, after much deliberation, it isn’t going to discount the faulty questions from the marking procedure as such might disadvantage the more intellectually-challenged candidates who spent the duration of the exam attempting to answer them – and in three cases actually succeeded in doing so.

Thought for the day: Q. How long should be spent diagnosing a problem?

a) Procrastinate - it is better to make no decision than a quick one.

b) If there is a risk to safety, call in a sub-contractor.

c) Until it goes dark and the problem can no longer be seen.

d) Ignore risk assessment regulations and just say ‘fuck it!’

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.