Saturday, 18 June 2011

Plod Squad Flog Crim’s Assets on eBay

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Applying the statutes of the Proceeds of Crime Act (2002), the Cheshire County Plod Squad administrators have opened an account on the eBay internet auction website to flog off the Faginesque assets of convicted criminals.

Det Sgt Kazzer Titwank of Cheshire Police's ScallyWatch Investigation Unit informed a press hack from the Ill-Gotten Gains Gazette that under the act offenders can be deprived of any and all financial benefits derived from their nefarious crimes.
"By selling off their personal items in this way, we intend to generate some sort of income from criminal assets to cover the massive hole in our budget caused by Posh Dave Scameron’s poxy Libservative Coalition government slashing local authority funding - which in turn might well benefit the victims of crime and be reinvested in local policing initiatives – like nights out on the piss and down the local curry house for me and the lads."

Questioned if any of the cash raised from the eBay auctions will go to the Home Office or back to Chancellor Osborne, DS Titwank gave a negative reply. “You’ve got to be bloody joking – those pillocks would only waste it on vaccines for Third World sprogs that are dying of malnutrition anyway – or for bunging up the Greek’s ballistic diarrhoea economy.”

This week a seized BMW M3 sold for £26,000, while an ersatz Rolex watch with a genuine Seiko works went for £30 quid. Further items on auction offer to bargain hunters included a 90 inch plasma TV, DVD players, digital radios, Jolly Green Giant Jackrabbit vibrators, Kevlar vests, designer baseball bats and carbon fiber pickaxe handles, games consoles – plus thousands of MP3 players and iPhones – which topped up the force’s Paypal kitty with an amount of ready income best described by the Cheshire Police’s chief accountant as “Lots and lots of lovely money.”

The goods, confiscated under the Proceeds of Crime Act, were bought legitimately by criminals with dirty money and not stolen – and over the past week the sale of such has raised £80,000 – with the actual total exceeding £350,000 since it was initially kick started in May.

The Cheshire Plod Squad’s criminal seizures warehouse is rumoured to be chocker block full of swag that will be posted on eBay for auction in the coming weeks. The impounded goodies include a large selection of crow bars, bolt cutters, Kango rock hammers, Bosch drills, body bags, bales of marijuana, Tetra police band / multi-frequency air interface encryption radios, black ski masks, 12-guage sawn-off shotguns, 9mm Glock automatic pistols, thousands of rounds of pick and mix ammunition – plus crates of Polar Annum gelignite and military grade Semtex explosive.

So, all you eBayers looking for a sweet deal, log onto the Cheshire police’s auction page at ‘ScallyLoot-Is-Us’ and pick yourself up a criminal proceeds bargain – go on, it’s a real steal.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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