Afghan’s Top Bankster Does Bunk

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The governor of Afghanistan's Central Bank, Abdul Qadeer Flitrat, has quit his post and fled the country – then handed in his belated resignation from the dubious safe haven of the United States, informing one reporter from the Ripoffs Review that his life was in danger for investigating ranking government officials involved in a criminal conspiracy of massive fraud.

Mr Flitrat claims that President Hamid Kami Karzai’s nepotism-ridden Kleptocracy Party government had meddled, hindered and finally stymied his efforts to pursue those responsible for corruption at the privately-owned Kabul Bank - which was unable to account for multi-zillions of US dollars in aid funds and went into tits-up insolvency mode in 2010 – only to be shored up by the Central Bank.

However, Achmed Karzai (no relation), the Afghan government’s Minister for Wasting Time & Money, informed one gutter press hack from the Embezzlers Gazette that Flitrat’s resignation amounted to treason.
Likewise, Waheed Scummbag, Afghan President Hamid Karzai's PR agent and spin doctor - and thus the one tasked with covering officialdom’s arses - opined that Abdul Flitrat himself should be placed under investigation for publicly labeling the President’s family and friends a ‘bunch of light-fingered dodgy gits’ – and accusing them of being involved in the receipt of zero interest ‘sweetheart deal’ loans handed out with a conspicuous absence of collateral cover or like security measures in place.

The embezzlement at Kabul Bank – previously Afghanistan's largest private banking institution - that handled 80-plus percent of the government payroll, including salaries for policemen, teachers, wheelbarrow mechanics and goat herders, led to its collapse last year after it was discovered that hundreds of zillions of dollars had gone missing in spectacular X-Files “now you see it / now you don’t” fashion - a trick that has so far baffled top notch auditor’s Cut-Price-Slaughterhouse-Coopers’ Afghan associates - AF Fleecem & Co LLP - and the world’s celebrity magicians - prompting sarcastic media wits to suggest it should be renamed ‘The Ali Baba Forty Thieves Bank’.

Central Bank investigators who haven’t yet fled the scene informed a journalist from Villainy magazine that the Kabul Bank - which was Afghanistan's largest private financial institution with over one million customers - set out on a systematic course of making hundreds of zillions of dollars of inappropriate loans following the bank’s founding in 2004 by Sherkhan Farnood, a ‘thick as thieves’ crony of President Karzai – and a ‘leading international poker player’ – (no laughing – that bit’s true).

The dodgy Farnood, the type of person who prompts you to count your fingers after shaking hands with him, is the owner of Pamir Airways and was the Chairman of the fiscally-raped bank, holding 28.16% of the shares in partnership with Khalilullah Tuti-Fruti, Mohammad Fuckemall and several other untrustworthy scally twats - until the bank’s 2010 collapse.

The gospel according to red top tabloid gutter press reports, by November 2010 Da Afghanistan Bank (Central Bank) insisted both Farnood and Kabul Bank chief executive Tuti-Fruiti be removed from the bank’s management. As of early 2011 both were effectively under house arrest and barred from leaving the country – even by sneaking out on one of Farnood’s own Pamir Airways planes.

Mustapha Karzai (no relation), the Minister for Graft & Corruption, and too President Karzai's younger brother Mahmood, each owned a 7% stake in Kabul Bank – along with the Third World shithole’s appropriately titled ‘Vice-President’, Mohammed Quasim Karzai (also no relation) and his two younger brothers, Ibn Zamel and Ibn Himar.

The bank was bailed out last September, when the Central Bank took control of its finances – with Abdul Flitrat, as head of the CB, in charge of an investigation into what the fuck had gone wrong – and President Hamid Karzai disingenuously pledging to fully investigate those involved in the crisis – as long as they weren’t related to him.

Conversely, Flitrat alleges that Karzai’s government specifically blocked, rather than assisted, the investigation into the ‘daylight robbery’ scandal’s politically-connected participants, nor provided any help in recovering the bank's plundered assets.
In April, much to officialdom’s embarrassment, Flitrat publicly named in Parliament a legion of high-profile figures who were allegedly involved in the collapse of the bank – 90% of whom were named ‘Karzai’ – and stated for the record that the improbity encountered due the government patronage and favouritism bestowed on relatives in granting unsecured loans for a pick and mix of incredible fantasy projects had been the direct cause of the collapse of the Kabul Bank.

Thought for the day: What’s the difference between Hamid Karzai’s nepotism and corruption-ridden government and an organised crime syndicate?
Absolutely none.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.