National SlutWalk Branded ‘Too Sluttish’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A squad of Albanian pikey illegals working on contract for London’s Renta-Pothole agency paused from their unnecessary digging up of Hyde Park Corner on Saturday to stare in gob-smacked quiescence at the SlutWalk phenomenon that passed before their lecherous eyes. A provocative procession of sordid scrubbers and raving skangers, clad in fishnet stockings, peephole bras and crotchless basques paraded by, through Belgravia and down Serpentine Road, clutching banners with statements like "Just cos yer can see me tits don’t mean I wants 'em gropin’.”

The strutting strumpets were among the 5,000 females and cross dressing transvestites that took part in the UK's latest ‘SlutWalk’ protest march around London on Saturday - an event bestowed with magnanimous approval by thatch-headed Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and organised by Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, the Tory MP for Pikeys Crotch; BBC current affairs programme presenter Soundbite Sally McMinge; and Dutch female rights activist Fellattia van der Gamm – to emphasise the fact that no matter how ‘sluttish’ a girl appears when out on the lash with her mates, when some bloke on the make propositions her for a quick shag, then the reply “No!” does actually mean ‘No’ and not “maybe later”.

The origin of the controversial protest movement was sparked by a Canadian Mountie, PC Homer Scumerotti, who earlier this year informed female college students attending the Feelgoode Hall Law School, part of Ontario’s Skankborough University, that “It’s bad enough to have you gals sounding like sluts, never mind dressing like them" – his personal advice to avoid being targeted for a quick grope and possibly raped - if the male of the species involved was that hard up for a spot of coitus.
Since the controversial incident PC Scumerotti was directed by his superiors to apologise and severely disciplined by a squad of strap-on wielding lesbian constables, but remains with the police force – now in the lesser role of ‘bitch’.

Apologies besides, the Canadian plod’s flawed advice has prompted a typical feminist hysteria reaction on a global scale, with thousands of ‘wannabee’ sluts worldwide – from Scunthorpe to Kabul to Fiji, taking to the streets to highlight a culture in which they say the victim – them - rather than the abuser – some horny bloke - is blamed.

Back in London, whether wearing four-inch heels, with ‘slut’, ‘skank’ or ‘scrubber’ painted on their chests, or three inch mini skirts and Jesus shoes, the marchers were united in their message.
Chants of "Blame the rapist and not the victim!” rang out above the laughter and jibes from crowds of male spectators – and too, outraged members of the Townswomen’s Guild and affronted Catholic nuns.

While the gutter press descended in tone to describe the march as being composed of ranks of scrubbers, skanks, bling-clad chavettes, career slappers knob-headed yobettes and scabby skangers - scores of the split-arsed marchers spat back at the insults of the press hacks, claiming that they personally were victims of sexual assaults, while others had experienced unsolicited abuse from men who assumed their erotic and flesh-revealing outfits made them fair game for a quick bang.

"If yer go ter a club yer can get yer buns grabbed all evenin’ by some half-pissed bloke wot buys yer a Meths Breezer an’ thinks it's okay ter try an’ stick his effin’ fingers up yer snatch just cos yer wearin’ a mini-skirt an’ he can see the crack of yer arse – then he flops this piece of meat in yer hand an’ sez “Blow me” – an’ it’s like a penis only smaller,” Beverly Titwank, a 15-year old mother-of-three, complained to media reporters.

One ginger mingin marcher, Candida Muffitch, ducked out of the parade at Speakers Corner and sat on the grass massaging her visible camel toe, dressed in a t-shirt bearing the legend ‘Three Holer by Appointment Only’, informing amused journalists “I had ter pull out of the march cos walkin’ wiv me ben wah balls in was makin’ me snatch really sore.”

Radical lesbian rights protester Sapphie Dildodo and her rug-munching partner Mingeeter Godermiche, from Scouseland’s Toxteth Tribbers Society, told reporters that women experience double standards in which they’re under pressure to look sexy, yet by that same rule, expected to live the chaste life of a Carmelite nun.
Mingeeter explained “There's this culture in which women are expected to put out but if they do, they're sluts – and even other women call me and Sapphie a pair of skanks just cos we’re dykes and dress sexy an’ fuck each other instead of blokes.”

While the reason for the march had its origins across the Atlantic in Canada’s frozen North (home to that immortal slut, Eskimo Nell) due PC Scumerotti’s ill-chosen advice to schoolgirls - Toxic Tessie Trollenberg, ‘spokesperson’ for the Transvestite Tourettes Club, informed media hacks that recent moronic comments on the subject of sexual abuse and some types of female rape being more serious than others, a major faux pas voiced publicly by Justice Secretary Ken Clarke, claiming that, in legal terminology, there’s one hole rape then there’s three hole rape - meant the issue was very relevant in the UK.

Waving a copy of this month’s Desperate Sluts – a glossy porno’ mag’ from Dirty Des’s Daily Excess publishing stable featuring ‘Suck n Swallow Sharon Slagg’ on the front cover of the rag's jizz-resistant non-stick pages – Ms Trollenberg stated for the public record that “It’s effin’ filth like this wot gets these blokes horny and thinkin’ they can get away wiv gropin’ chicks – an’ I personally love it when I’m in a club wearin’ one of me real short minis an’ some pissed-up scrote comes an’ grabs me crotch – it’s just the look on his effin’ face when he realises I’ve got a bigger cock than he has.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.