Saturday, 25 June 2011

Doc Disses Downing Street Dipshits

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The senior orthopaedic surgeon who displayed a rash measure of blatant audacity by interrupting a photo opportunity for Downing Street’s Dynamic Duo - David Scameron and Mick Clogg - with asinine complaints over ‘hygiene’ has been dispatched on indefinite gardening leave with ‘extreme prjudice’ by the hospital management board for causing what one official termed ‘extreme embarrassment’ by referring to the PM and his Deputy as ‘a pair of grungy cunts’.

Dr. David Nunn, a leading hip replacement specialist, went into lemming mode and burst in on the posing pair of morons while they were at London’s Guy's Hospital on a whistle-stop ‘Let’s Look Good’ publicity walk-about to glad-hand a few ‘sickies’ last week and got caught in the act of poking at one patient’s leg surgery, admiring the stitchwork.

The gospel according to Downing Street’s Propaganda Unit, leaked to a gutter press hack from the Daily Shitraker, Dr Nunn complained that several of the Prime Minister's aides and journalists covering the visit didn’t have their sleeves rolled up - a hospital hygiene stipulation - before being silenced and ushered outside by members of the close-in security detail on hire from Renta-Thug.

However, be the truth known, Dr Nunn’s ire was further raised by journalists picking noses, scratching their arses, and sticking chewing gum under window sills.
As the BBC news team’s cameras were running at the time the incident occurred, the concerned doctor’s verbal objections and protests were then drowned out by a perplexed-looking Scameron and his aides who rushed forward to smooth things over – shouting to the security detail “Get this effing oick out of here – he’s fucked up the entire shoot!”

The security team put a swift stop to Dr Nunn’s objections with the 'post-G20 protests' regulation ‘Harwood Manoeuvre’ belt across the back of the legs with a steel baton, followed by a violent shove to the floor - then dragged him out of the room, away from rolling cameras and microphones – which still managed to record the medic’s screams as the security boys gave him a sound kicking in the corridor.

In a bid to prevent doctors speaking to the media about the issue, the Guy’s and St Thomas’ NHS Foundation Trust has sent staff an internal memo warning them to keep quiet – or else.
It read: “At this stage we do not know when silly Dr Nunn will return to the Trust. It is imperative staff not answer any questions or provide information or personal opinions to the gutter press and media that will make Messers Scameron and Clogg look even more foolish and get our Department of Health budget slashed.”

The Trust’s official spokeswoman, Fellattia van der Gamm, informed media hacks that “As of now we are prepared to confirm that Dr Nunn is currently caring for his elderly mother who was taken ill with E.coli after having sex with a Spanish cucumber. However, while Dr Nunn is widely applauded for his bedside manner, his grasp of political correctness – like keeping schtum – has on this occasion been less than appropriate.

Conversely, Dr Bazzer McScrunt, director of the Unison Health Care Union, told reporters “David Nunn was spot on in his actions. I mean to say, who’d want a bunch of grungy media hacks and festering politicians mooching about their hospital, prodding at patients – as if things aren’t bad enough with MRSA already.”
“Bloody photo-op’ publicity stunts indeed. It’s little wonder the NHS is derided as the ‘National Ill-Health Service’ when your have the PM and his deputy playing politics at the expense of patient care.”

Senior orthopaedic surgeon David Nunn, who qualified as a doctor in 1978 and is now regarded as one of the top hip replacement specialists in the country - is also no stranger to media attention and a past thorn in the Ministry of Health’s foot.
Nunn, who has performed millions of hip revision replacement operations, once accused the Government of setting 'arbitrary targets' for the NHS – and added that the moronic culture of political correctness and no longer being able to call a spade ‘a spade’ caused the issue of communication problems with foreign staff from being recognised and thus rectified.

Nunn stirred up a shit storm of controversy in 2002 when he criticised foreign nurses for failing to understand his instructions nor knowing the names of surgical instruments – stating in a letter to the BMA at that time: “If I go on holiday to Spain, they have signs up in the hotel informing visitors that ‘English-speaking medical staff are available’ – now why can’t we have the same in the UK?”

Stop press: (drop the dead donkey) Controversial orthopaedic surgeon, Dr David Nunn, who has been a consultant at St Guy's Hospital since 1990 and last week bollocked a party of Libservative Coalition politicians and their sycophantic team of media lickspittles for breaching hygiene regulations while on a photo-publicity shoot visit to Guy’s Hospital – has been found dead in the Grassy Knoll Woods near his Oxfordshire home.

Preliminary police and forensic reports indicate that Dr Nunn took his own life by swallowing several packets of Co-Proxamol tablets and slashing the ulnar artery in his left wrist with a blunt pruning knife – then stabbed himself several times in the back – an act one paramedic attending the scene claimed was the most determined case of suicide he’d ever seen.

Thames Valley police force Inspector Jack Bogbrush told reporters “The old Grassy Knoll Woods is a bit of a favourite spot for celebrity self-harming types due the view over the fields. Apparently Dr Nunn had been depressed and on medication after realising his mistake of bollocking the Prime Minister Scameron at Guys Hospital last week.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Tony said...

Brilliant! Love the "stop press."