Thursday, 31 March 2011

Tesco Cop for Fuckupshima Disaster Protests

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s number one Greedy Grocer monopoly, Tesco, today faced a mass gathering of anti-nuke protesters demonstrating outside their Smegmadale-on-Sea ‘Extra’ branch – blaming the supermarket chain for irradiating Japan and most of the northern Pacific Ocean following the catastrophic fubar at the Fuckupshima Dai-Ichi nuclear power plant, caused by a brown-out triggered after-effect of the devastating 8:9 earthquake and ensuing tsunami of the 11th March.

Apparently one group of scallies and yobettes had left the local Jobcentre empty-handed – as per usual - and headed for a liquid lunch at the ‘Asbo Arms’- one of the Troublespot Taverns pub chain – where over pints of Tithead Tankard the conversation pit became a hotbed of critical debate when the bar-mounted telly broadcast the mid-day news stating that ‘Tepco’ (Tokyo Electric Power Co) management now accepted total responsibility for the nuclear meltdown at the Fuckupshima power station in northern Japan.

Apparently at this point, one patron identified as Pigswill Pete, the owner and operator of ‘Pete’s Barf Burger’ butty van, accompanied by his girlfriend Feral Beryl McScrunt, started to stir up a subversive commotion at the bar, stating that ‘Tesco’ obviously wouldn’t be putting one of their ‘Finest’ labels on the Japanese snafu – at which point it was unanimously agreed by all present and correct – and still able to stand - that a ‘Save Our Planet’ type eco-protest should be staged at the Tesco Extra branch on nearby Hiroshima Street.

Cobbling together a medley of signs and placards scavenged from the recycling bins behind the pub, the motley protest crew headed off, picking up a fair arsenal of empty bottles, bricks and ripe dogshit – (and too a horde of like-minded unemployed subversives) - on their way to hurl at the supermarket’s front windows and make known their indignation and resentment with the ubiquitous Greedy Grocer for causing a nuclear accident and environmental calamity of Biblical proportions.

After the terrified store management shit kittens and sounded the alarm that they were under attack from some unidentified Islamic Jihadi terrorist group, and with the eventual arrival of a police riot squad contingent, plus a sergeant equipped with some modicum of common sense, the situation was brought under control following the arrest of the Bolshie ring-leaders, Pigswill Pete and Feral Beryl - and a bull-horn explanation that the erring nuclear operators in Japan were in fact ‘Tepco’ and not ‘Tesco’ - the marauding gang of anti-nuclear warriors returned to the Asbo Arms to quench their thirst and mull over miscreants new upon whom to target their collective displeasure.

Meanwhile, back at Honshu’s ill-fated Fuckupshima nuclear plant, the Tepco engineers responsible for the continuing atomic melt-down have been exercising their special brand of Japanese penitence – not by simply resigning over their collective incompetence - or committing ritual seppuku disembowelment with a tanto blade and then being decapitated by some obliging mate’s metre-long Samurai katana - have instead, in a display of Posh Dave Scameron’s maxim of ‘We’re all in this together’ - been hurling themselves like Scandinavian lemmings, head-first into the boiling radioactive maelstrom of the Number Three reactor’s spent fuel rod cooling pond.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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