Monday, 14 March 2011

Life-Saving Not on Plod Squad Agenda

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The banner headlines across the UK’s Bolshie red top gutter press tabloids on Friday were one of shock and dismay – “Plod Squad Wankers Let Man Drown”.

Wilf Fuctifino, a Smegmadale charity shop worker, was left to drown in a knee-deep boating lake because of ‘health and safety’ fears. More than a dozen ‘jobsworth’ emergency workers refused to go to the assistance of Mr Fuctifino who was left face down in the shallow water as they waited half an hour for a specialist ‘deep water’ rescue crew to be air-lifted in by helicopter from Cornwall.

The hapless Fuctifino, who had made his customary lunch-time excursion to the Doggers Wood Lake to eat his mid-day sandwiches and feed the swans last Thursday, apparently experienced one of his ‘funny turns’ – a frequent affliction since undergoing a NHS frontal lobotomy the previous year - and passed out, falling into the lake. He was later pronounced dead at the scene but dozens of bystanders filming the incident on their cellphones claim that if the reluctant ‘rescuers’ (sic) had waded straight into the water his drowning could have been prevented.

Unbelievably, the prompt 999 call made by Mrs Fellattia Titwank, who was apparently engaging in a spot of al fresco ‘afternoon delight’ in a bunch of rhododendron bushes by the lakeside and saw Fuctifino fall, was answered by no less that the crews of two fire engines, two police cars and two ambulances from Wankshire Emergency Services – all of whom were instructed by supervisors not to enter the water, which is no more than half a meter at its deepest point, as they would have seriously compromised HSE regulations and jeopardised their own safety - by getting their feet wet.

The ‘deep water’ offshore rescue crew finally arrived a half hour after the unfortunate victim was seen falling in to the lake – whereupon the ‘specialists’ removed him using nothing more technical than knee-length welly boots – then handed him over to paramedics to be pronounced DOA.

Sgt Arthur Bellend of the Wankshire Police told one reporter from the Shirkers Gazette “When we received Mrs Titwank’s call and arrived on the scene, it was quite obvious to our trained eye that the victim might well have been one of these typical self-harmer types out to attract attention. Regardless, we carried out an on-the-spot risk assessment of the situation while having a cup of coffee and a smoko - as prescribed by HSE regulations - and decided that as we were not equipped with a boat then someone would have to get their feet wet if a rescue attempt was to be launched.”

“Secondary considerations were focused on the physical injury danger presented by a gaggle of marauding ducks which were having a good peck at the victim’s floating sandwiches – plus further emphasis was drawn to the fact that none of us can swim – hence immediate entry into the water was not appropriate as it may have compromised the lives of others – specifically me and the lads.”

A preliminary post-mortem examination undertaken by the Smegmadale coroner, Dr Irwin Bogbrush, has revealed the fact that apparently Mr Fuctifino didn’t only drown but also might well have choked to death on a lump of ingested swan shit.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of plods were temporarily embarrassed.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: So much for ‘have a go’ heroes and the immortal spirit of the Samaritan travelling the mugger-infested road from Jericho to Jerusalem.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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