MoD is Spendthrift Central

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a report just leaked to Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers charity, by disgruntled whistleblowers working at the UK’s Ministry of Defence, the kleptocrats running the Ministry’s Acquisitions Department have been forking out £22 quid each for poxy 40 watt ‘Made in China’ light bulbs –with the self-same toxic mercury-filled items available for 65 pence apiece at Pestco Extra – and three for £1 quid at Pound Stretcher.

Defence department civil servants further stand accused of approving the purchase of such exorbitantly-priced kit as tubes of No-Nails Crucifixion Adhesive for £103 each – with the same available on e-Bay and from B & Q with a special ‘Easter Martyrs’ discount, selling at £2:35 – including a complimentary Cadbury’s cream egg – and a crowbar for prying stuck body parts off the wall or electric chair after the extraordinary rendition torture events are done for the day.

The spending came to light just days after the Government detailed how it planned to make an additional 11,000 redundancies across the armed forces – on top of the 8,000 troopers from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and the Queen’s Own 18th Body Bag Battalion already fallen victim and snuffed in Afghanistan during 2010 by the Taliban and an assortment of other Muslim rebel scrotes – plus hails of friendly fire’ from the perpetually trigger-happy American gung-ho GI psychopaths blasted out of their brains on free opium who ‘shoot first’ – then forget what the question was in the first place.

Libservative Coalition Defence Secretary Liam Foxtrot criticised the inflated prices as “part of the Labour-inherited spendthrift culture which bordered not only on a lack of prudence and due diligence in purchase tender costings but displayed evidence of couch potato sloth and a criminal waste of taxpayers' money from ordering military equipment out of the Argos catalogue for home delivery – by using the interest-free ‘buy now – pay in six months time’ option – which left the MoD with a budget deficit of £38 billion nicker.

One Army Quartermaster whistleblower, who spoke to the Scandalmongers Gazette on conditions of anonymity (Sgt Wilf Fuctifino, of 32 Blabberwocky Terraces, Smegmadale) and is responsible for all equipment stored at a UK military base, related he couldn’t ignore the criminal waste he saw every day – with mega-bucks backhanders being paid to acquisitions staff at the Ministry of Defence.

"Yer talkin’ about an effin’ fortune fer these bulbs an’ the No-Nails glue wot they use when they’re torturin’ them Muslim terrorist scallies in the jungle or wherever. Now the governments talkin’ about makin’ 11,000 of us blokes redundant before we’ve even had an effin’ chance ter get out ter the front line yet ter step on a mine or one of them IED thingies wot go ‘Bang!’ - an’ pick up a nice bundle of personal injury compo’ fer havin’ one of yer legs blown off.”

“If the fuckers shopped around a bit instead of buying from this Pikey Pete’s Military Emporium monopoly in Kosovo an' out of the bleedin’ Argos catalogue they could save zillions of quid an’ then they’d be no reason fer the lay-offs an' I could complete me tour of twenty an' get promoted ter General an’ retire on a mega-bucks pension wiv me genitalia still intact.”

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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