Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Local Councils Create ‘Ciggy Stasi’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Applying Cabbage Patch Dave’s terminally-flawed financial model of ‘Scameronomics’, the newly-established Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, working in conjunction with the Ministry of What Can We Fuck With Next, have tasked local authorities to boost their emasculated 2010 / 2011 public service budgets by commissioning a ‘Ciggy Stasi’ to carry out random inspections up and down our green and pleasant land, on the look-out for evidence of illicit cigarette use and to issue on-the-spot fines.

This latest Orwellian / Kafkaesque task force will even hunt for cigarette butts in the ashtrays and poke their intrusive officious beaks inside vehicles to smell the air in order to clamp down on, and generate income from, issuing penalties for transgressing the outlawed practice of smoking while driving.

Hapless British workers were banned from enjoying a cigarette in their company cars, white vans and trucks as part of the EUSSR’s dystopic Health Act introduced in 2006 – with the law mandating it illegal in all vehicles used primarily for business purposes by more than one person – with anyone caught breaking said law facing a £50 quid fixed penalty fine ‘and’ a possible court conviction, which carries a draconic £200 quid fine and transportation to the Australian colonies. Further, to rub salt into the wounds, the culprits’ employers will also be informed of the offence and heavily fined to boot.

Genghis McTwatt, the acting head of environmental services for Scumborough District Council in Smegmashire, told a reporter from the Parasites Gazette that “With this recession we’ve had hundreds of applications from the usual community pariah types - officious little power-mad bastards, all breaking their neck to work for minimum wage and wear a freebie uniform, then play the Nazi Oberstfuhrer Gestapo agent and get out there pulling cars over and arresting the hapless public for having a quick drag while they’re driving.”

The scheme is being primarily introduced throughout March and has been organised to coincide with ‘National No Smoking Day’ which takes place in the middle of this current month - one week after ‘Who Gives a Flying Fuck Day’.

Thought for the day: Fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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