Vlad Putrid’s ‘Siloviki’ Run Rip-Off Russia

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

With the current price of black gold taking off through the proverbial roof like a cat with a Naga Viper chilli pepper shoved up its arse, due the – ahem - “broker-speculator contrived shortage” scare brought on by Libya getting the shit bombed out of it, and hitting US$115 per barrel - and inflating the gold price to US$1,425 per Troy ounce - the Kremlin, at the voracious prompting of the oil and gas oligarchs, are speculating on ‘very long-term’ futures then storing their own outputs in Siberia’s wastelands and withholding it from the refining markets.

Further to this, in a double-dealing play of ‘ricochet trading’ with each other via a series of 21 day EFPs of BFO (Brent-Forties-Oseberg), these career criminals are hence creating additional OTC demand, a false sham bogus global shortage – and forcing the spot price up and up in an ever increasing spiral skywards - a perfidious act currently being blamed by the CFTC on the Western majors, shifty Gulf Sheikdom producers and the Shylock brokers hedging their 'futures' bets against the stocks held and piped through ‘oil central’ at Cushing in Oklahoma – a mess of pottage that has international regulators scratching their heads in total confusion and not knowing whether their arseholes are bored or punched.

So, while their proverbial foreign exchange cup runneth over the incumbent Russian President Dimitry Medvedev and his mentor cum boss, PM Vladimir Putrid, are saying nothing - just coining in the wealth of their extensive natural resources – specifically by distilling the world-famous Cossack Cuckoo high octane vodka, shorting on futures contracts for Baikal Decaffinated Light Crude oil and Black Sea Borsch – and playing 'up the ante' by turning on and off the Ukraine-European pipeline valves controlling the delivery of Siberia’s Mammoth Methane Gaz.

When Vlad Putrid seized the Presidency of the Russian Federation in 1999 after the incumbent Bonkers Boris Yeltsin suffered a terminal hangover and his liver went into spontaneous combustion mode, burning down the family dacha in Scumsky Park, he moved to reduce the political influence of oligarchs who controlled the nation’s oil and gas wealth – and went so far as to actually imprison Mikhail Buggeroff, the obnoxious zillionaire CEO of Tashkent’s Fuckoil.

Putrid forced majority share state sequestration onto the oligarchs controlling Wankprom Oil, Gulag Gaz, Rustheft, TNK and Jackoff Tar Sands – and while zillionaires such as Oleg Mobsaroubles and Isaac Barfsky went along with the deal, others, including Michail Thugarotti, Otto Vulgarian and Igor Pissoffsky fled the country, chose voluntary exile in the UK - buying Premier League soccer clubs and marrying high maintenance asset slappers such as the celebrity Ukrainian lap dancer and stripper Tekem Orloff, and the Austrian society Pro-Dominatrix bitch Ingrid van der Schnott.

Exercising (sic - read ‘abusing’) his power as President, Putrid then amalgamated his St. Petersburg Siloviki political team (all ex-KGB career criminal thugs) with the Vory – Russia’s manky Mafia – run by Oleg Crooksky – thus bringing together the Kremlin’s air of legal officialdom and the Vory - to create a super-kleptocracy - stating at the time “There’s only one thing worse than organised crime and that’s disorganised crime”.

So where did Putrid assimilate his knowledge of felonious commerce? The paper trail indicates from his time with the KGB, then while running the money laundering front of Bolshie Bagels Bakery in St Petersburg and minding the political and commercial fortunes of Mayor Yuri Sackashit before pursuing his fortunes in Moscow.

References to Vlad Putrid’s earliest school reports at the Felix Dzerzhinsky Academy for Latter Day Stalinists reveal “Frequent demonstrations of classic sociopath behaviour. Not given to sharing his toys and doesn’t play well with other children.” – a flawed character trait he carried along through his KGB and St Petersburg careers and into the Kremlin itself – a fact ironically displayed by the diploma hung behind his desk from the Tonya Harding Institute for Fair Play.

Putrid, rumoured to have overcome chronic rhubarb addiction by going ‘cold turkey’ while a teenager, was a founding member of the Murmansk Halitosis Society - which prompted his branding with the disparaging sobriquet of Vlad the Exhaler.
He mastered the nasty Ninja skill of silent cormorant strangling while serving with the KGB and boasts a 6th Dan Black Belt in the Chinese martial art of Sudoku, and is famed for his ‘Harai Goshi’ style of giving opponents one - mainly female - in the doggy style position.

While Putrid might well have established a cult of the personality with his ‘siloviki’ cabal in the Kremlin and running the Federation’s colossal oil and gas industries, he still presents the image of a leader who’s well aware that wood grows on trees, and the ‘Rodina’ (Russian homeland) has more forestry potential than you can shake an axe at.

So, should the West tremble and stop treating Russia as some nuclear armed Third World shithole run by a mix n match cabal of kleptomaniacs and psycho Vory Mafia scallies? Perhaps, for the West will need a cut of Russia’s natural resources long before the Kremlin has any need of the West’s – if the Kremlin can get the oligarchs to play cricket, that is (or vice-versa, as the case may be).

This is instanced by the fact the Russian zillionaire shareholders of TNK-BP have, through their Alfa-Access-Renova (AAR) consortium, yesterday conclusively blocked, via an injunction granted at the High Court in London, BP's (Beyond Pollution) Arctic exploration deal with the state-owned Rostheft – citing BP’s incompetence over contaminating and poisoning the entire Gulf of Mexico with crude oil and the ultra-toxic Coreshite 9500 dispersant solvent following their Deepshit Horizon rig disaster in 2010 as the reason they cannot be trusted as the operating partner in the pristine Arctic.

Such will serve to halt BP quoting the massive Schmuckman field’s estimated ‘in the ground’ reserves on its stock portfolio and hence prevent a rise in their corporate share prices – plus further deter any drop in the current global spot – or futures - price of oil.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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