In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The UK’s hapless Plod Squads have been legally obliged to fork out barrow-loads of the taxpayer’s money – a total of £770,000 - in compo’ payments to people bitten by police dogs over the past couple of years, according to a report in this week’s Fierce Creatures Gazette.
Information obtained from whistleblowers by Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers watchdog charity, following Freedom of Information requests being ignored, reveals that the Greater Manchester Police paid out the most compensation of any force, totalling more than £180,000 quid.
The manky Metropolitan Police – already notorious for murdering Brazilian electricians and beating Big Issue vendors to death - had the second highest cough-up, paying out £95,000.
Forty-three forces across the UK provided a breakdown of their figures to the Association of Police Authorities - grading the type of person bitten against the scale of their SBI – and the minimum of compo’ that might be accepted.
The gospel according to Ox-Rat states that SBI refers to a "Scum Bag Index", and multiplies the inventory of a suspect’s tattoos with the square root of the sum of body piercings – divided by the number of missing teeth times the total of pints of Old Headbanger Ale or Bitch Thumper lager they drink per night – to give an estimate of the person’s IQ.
However, between Britain’s Plod Squads a grand total of 2,725 suspects were bitten by PC Wolfie and his rabid quadruped compatriots, along with 196 star-crossed police staff and 155 other innocent bystander / passer-by members of the public.
Eight regional police authorities reported an excess of 100 canine bite injuries apiece over the 2008 to 2010 period – with the Barking police force recording the highest number of bites – an abysmal 644 reported incidents.
Genghis McTwatt, spokesman for the civil action group SNARL, told one reporter from the Lycanthropes Gazette that “It’s supposed ter be effin’ illegal under the 1997 Dangerous Dogs Act amendments ter even own four-legged canine psychopaths, never mind let the fuckin’ things loose ter bite people.”
“The act sez that if a dog is dangerously out of control in a public place - then the owner or the person in charge of the dog is guilty of an offence, or, if the dog while so out of control, injures any person then that constitutes an aggravated offence under the Dangerous Dogs Act.”
“Personally, I can’t make me effin’ mind up who’s the more stupid – the Plods or their bleedin’ dogs.”
Oh well, as evidenced by the gratuitous violence dispensed by the police’s bellicose Renta-Thug Units during the G20 protests in 2009 and last December’s student demonstrations against tuition fee hikes, then if the Met’s hierarchy can’t train and control their own uniformed plods not to beat political dissidents to a pulp or toss disabled blokes out of their wheelchairs for being a bit Bolshie and gobby, then drag them across the road, how are we supposed to expect them to control a pack of rabid German Shepherds?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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