Saturday, 19 March 2011

Granny Savages Yobster Rip-Off Merchants

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mrs Gnasher McTwatt, a 96-year-old grandmother and former bare knuckle boxer, who fought off two teenage yobster intruders that attempted to break into her home at Asbo Terraces on South Manchester’s Slumshawe Hamlets housing estate on March 3rd has appeared at Minshull Street Crown Court today facing charges of Reckless Affray, Grievous Bodily Harm and possession of a deadly weapon – her false teeth.

According to Prosecution testimony, the two juvenile scally complainants, who cannot be named for legal reasons (Bob the Yob and Genghis Scrunt) had posed as window cleaners operating around the Slumshawe Hamlets, Spewall Green and Stench Hill neighbourhoods and attempted to push through Mrs McTwatt’s door when she refused to consent to their cleaning her windows.
The 'Hell's Granny' of sixteen sunk her dentures into the arm of one of the youths as they tried to rip a set of gold and jewelled bangles from her wrist and a pendant from around her neck when she fought to prevent them forcing their way into her home.

Mrs McTwatt told the court under oath “I knew they woz up ter no good coz they sez they come ter clean the winders but they ain’t got any buckets or ladders. Then they sez ‘We’ll clean yer winders on the inside first’ - so I tells ‘em both ter eff’ off an’ go fuck a pig, an’ then they tried ter push me front door open an’ luckily I had me new false teeth in me apron pocket so I sticks ‘em in me gob real quick like an’ tears inter the arm of one of the gits wot’s tryin’ ter rip off me Pound Stretcher necklace wot me daughter Slugsy bought me fer Christmas.”

Pc Arthur Fuctifino of the Greater Manchester Police, giving evidence on behalf of the Crown Prosecution Service, informed the court "These youths tried to prey on the vulnerability of an elderly woman under the pretext of cleaning windows. However, being intellectually challenged, they failed to present themselves as fit for purpose – specifically, rigged out with window-cleaning kit – and hence immediately aroused suspicions that they were simply a pair of no-good scrotes out on the make and got precisely what they deserved when they attacked Mrs McTwatt and attempted to rip off her bling.”

Conversely the Prosecution’s case hinges on the fact of ‘malice aforethought’ as Mrs McTwatt did answer the door and open it - and then, without provocation – went into psycho mode and attacked both youths – whose witness statements maintain they were only collecting old clothes for charity.

Three days following the incident one of the youths (Bob the Yob) was admitted to Manchester Royal Infirmary after collapsing due dehydration brought about by a case of acute hydrophobia that had even advanced so far as to negatively affect his lager-swilling abilities - and was further diagnosed with galloping rabies – which forensic DNA tests revealed was a result of the bite wounds inflicted by Mrs McTwatt’s dentures – which she had acquired the previous week from a car boot sale at Slumshawe Park.

The case continues.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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