Tuesday, 15 March 2011

RBS Boss Gets Bonus for ‘Losing’ Money

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Royal Bank of Scumland was yet again branded ‘a fucking disgrace’ by the gutter press tabloids after handing its hairless chief executive Stephen Hester a £7.7 zillion quid pay package for 2010 – even though the bailed-out bank lost more than £1 billion quid down the drain through harebrained bad investments and its customary gross incompetence.

The bank revealed that Hester and eight of his ‘top team’ (sic) of losers are sharing a bonus and shares windfall totalling £28 million quid for 2010, despite presiding over – and too being wholly responsible for – such an abysmal performance that if it were a Japanese bankster in a similar position he’d hang his head in shame then go out and commit ritual seppuku with a blunt spud peeler – unfortunately not an option of self-reproach nor act of terminal penitence yet adopted by British banking executives - more's the pity.

Hester is due to pick up this year a £1.2 zillion quid base salary, plus a £2.01 zillion bonus in shares and the chance to get a further £4.45 zillion under a long-term incentive scheme to spend on his donkey-riding hobby – an even bigger slap in the face to the British taxpayer than Fred 'The Shred' Badwin, the last bungling parasite to head the bank who walked away with a golden handshake pay-off package that exceeded the annual GNP of most Third World nations.

The bodging Badwin, who capitalised the A in ‘Amateur’ while he was running the RBS in grand Busby Berkeley theatrical style, and embarked on his fatally flawed scheme to buy Dutch bank ABN Amro in 2007, has incidentally this week been granted a super-injunction by the High Court to stop the gutter press referring to him as a ‘banker’ – or a ‘wanker’ – and definitely not ‘Fuck-up Fred’.

The huge rewards to RBS executives for losing money were denounced by unions as a sign that greedy banksters are out of touch with reality at a time when the rest of the country is suffering - due bailing out their gross ineptness.
This news came a day after Barclays revealed staggeringly high salary and bonus payouts that make a mockery of the recent Merlin deal on pay and lending – a set of reforms agreed on and implemented as part of a Government-led deal aimed at calming the criticism the industry has faced since the financial crisis began.

As though to say “Fuck the Merlin deal – and government regulation!” Barclays’ two head honchos from the investment banking section, Jerry del Tosspot and Richie Scumberg, were handed packages worth a total of £47 zillion and £44 zillion quid apiece respectively for their 2010 performance of bleeding customers to a state of anaemia with excessive interest and usurious overdraft charges.

Genghis McTwatt, General Secretary of the trade union ‘Whinge’, told press hacks “Payin’ ludicrous bonuses ter these plonkers and tosspots is an effin’ disgrace – an’ they only get it cos’ they know a few secret handshakes an’ kiss Baron Rothshite’s kikester arse.”
“Our membership here at Whinge have voted unanimously ter petition the Government ter prevent the Royal Bank of Scumland from payin’ out these stupid bonuses cos 83 per cent’s now state owned – owned by us – the taxpayin’ public wot keeps havin’ ter bail the useless bastards out – and they still owe us £45 billion quid from the last time.”

“Really, it’s all a pile of old bollocks. ‘Royal’ bank indeed – where do they get that from, I ask yer? Is Queen Lizzie an’ the English nobility daft enough ter keep any money on deposit with this outfit – fuck no!”

Thought for the day: It prompts one to think what kind of salary and bonus the banksters might earn if they actually got on top of their ‘Incompetency Syndrome’ affliction, pulled their fingers out of their arses, and actually made a profit.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the Rothshite kikester Capitalist financial model that enslaves the world in perpetual debt.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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