Saturday, 26 March 2011

Maths Predicts God Redundant by 2012

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Not satisfied with kick-starting the devastating down-under January floods in Queensland, earthquakes in NZ, then the follow-on mega-magnitude Richter scale earth-shaker and resulting tsunami - plus nuclear meltdown - in Japan’s Fuckupshima Province by fiddling around trying to fine tune their HAARP arrays and the CERN Hadron particle collider, the numpty ranks of anoraks and beardies with more degrees than a thermometer have now begun to apply nonlinear dynamic mathematics to shag around with scientific creationism and celestial destiny - and predict that God will be out of a job by 2012.

This divine redundancy of the Ruler of Heaven and Earth will apparently occur prior to the forecast 23rd December Great Rapture (Mayan calendar) when humanity, en masse, is supposed to transcend mortal consciousness and rise up to that great Wetherspoons in the sky – where booze is all duty-free and topless barmaids serve Old Headbanger Special Brew and Bitch Thumper lager 24/7 – along with freebie bowls of halal pork scratchings.

A research study undertaken by a team of self-appointed post-graduate theological genius mathematicians and bean-counters at the Geneva-based ‘Institute of What Can We Fuck With Next’, have utilized historical census data from around the globe – some of which dates back to the time of Herod the Nasty - to create a mathematical model which accounts for the ontological interplay between the number of religious respondents and the social motives behind being one – with self-harming Islamic Jihadi suicide vest bomb martyrs being wholly excluded.

Invoking the principles of nonlinear dynamics to explain a wide range of physical phenomena in which a number of factors play a part Рincluding crystal ball scrying, tealeaf readings, Ouija boards, a Hindu bleaching of the bones ceremony Рand input via s̩ance from the ghostly spirit of Paul, the psychic octopus, the barmy boffin researchers claim the study Рby adjusting parameters for the relative social and utilitarian merits of membership of the non-religious category of society - cracked some Scotch mist digital cipher and proved theoretically - sans evidence physical or metaphysical - that religion and God are both set for extinction - like the Dodo before them.

Thoughts for the day: What kind of redundancy package and compensation will God be expecting if he gets the boot as the Omnipotent Power in the Universe? Already known, by His own admission, as a bit of a ‘jealous God’, this could result in one hell of a backlash on a Biblical scale.
Will the Vatican be turned into a theme park? Will the world’s churches be sequestered as shelters for the homeless? More to the point, will the jobcentres be packed out with kiddie fiddling priests looking for employment as scout troop leaders?

Can Noninear Dynamics or Quantum Mathematics or humming in one of the ancient Solfeggio harmonic ascendancy frequencies predict the winning numbers for next week’s Euro-Zillions Lotto draw?

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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