Midsomer Murders Slammed for Racism

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition government are on the ball, with their newly-created Ministry for Political Correctness issuing a censure against ITV’s 14-year marathon bore-drama ‘Midsomer Murders’ for its haughty and jingoistic all-white ‘Englishness’ and lack of multi-cultural racial diversity – as now sanctioned and demanded by PM Posh Dave Scameron.

No stranger to criticism, the actual realism of the entire series has been previously questioned on grounds of abusing common sense and logic alone – with the fictitious county of Midsomer constituting the murder capital of the world – where a score of grisly homicides have occurred in the villages of Old Scrotum and Twatt’s End in the last six months – and over four thousand persons snuffed by foul play since the series was first broadcast in 1997 – three hundred more than the estimated total population of the entire length and breadth of the rural community – from Borkum Riff in the north of the county to Slutts Hollow in the south.

Conversely, Aldous Cocksquirrel, one of the creators of ITV1's Midsomer Murders told a reporter from the Xenophobia Gazette that the series simply wouldn't work if there was racial diversity in the village life it portrays.

In support of this fact, producer Irwin Bogbrush maintains, against all criticism, that the long-running drama is a "last bastion of Englishness" and should stay that way – and further defended his ban on swearing, violence and live sex scenes from the show while claiming this was offset by including copious amounts of carnal innuendo and diversity issues other than ethnicity.

"If the story line involves cormorant stretching, incest, kiddie fiddling Catholic priests, blackmail, lesbianism, homo’ bum boys fudging each other in Doggers Wood, or zoophilia with some hapless yokel – or a local Freemason magistrate - caught shagging a sheep out on the moors – well that just terrific because the stupid viewers have been conditioned to believe that people can murder to cover up any of those shamefully embarrassing revelations.”

However, Sir Morton Armitage-Shanks, formerly the Tory Minister for Wasting Time & Money, and recently appointed to the post of Secretary for Political Correctness, informed media hacks that “We are a cosmopolitan society in this country, but if you watch Midsomer you wouldn't think so as you never see any dodgy darkies or wily oriental slants – just Detective Inspector Jack Pillock, kitted out in tweed and doing his customary Anthony Gormless statute impersonation – of an archetype Home Counties dildo.”

“A recent poll has revealed that the programme is strikingly unpopular with viewers from ethnic minorities who can’t understand the rural Fuckinghamshire yokel dialects and haven’t a clue why someone might murder their neighbour over a Cornish pasty being served cold, or not returning a copy of the Big Issue, or the fact their dog has shit on next door’s lawn.”

“Midsomer, in our opinion, now constitutes the height of political incorrectness and is totally dislocated from actual reality. We have no Mr Patel the Paki’ at the corner shop, no darkie-run Pound Stretcher stores, no Chinese chippy or Indian take-away, no Polish immigrants stealing all the other villagers job opportunities and working for a quid an hour less that minimum wage.”

“There’s never a sighting of any Jamaican Yardies called Gnasher McScrunt dealing drugs, nary the roar of a chapter of Hells Angels tear-arsing down the lanes on their motor bikes, no swan-roasting Albanians poaching on the village pond, no mention of Eastern European *gyppo sex slave traffickers kidnapping children from the local schools, and a total absence of pikey travellers setting up a regular Sunday morning car boot sale in the middle of the pristine village green."
"And what’s more to the point, since 9/11 there’s no sign of a mosque or any shifty Muslim types sneaking off to the local mosque's madrassa to join the Big Al Qaeda Gang and learn how to make Semtex waistcoats or those fantasy black pepper and peroxide bombs.”

Thought for the day: How about injecting some action into the series, to dispel the boredom – with a cameo appearance of that great kosher detective Shylock Holmes and his trusty sidekick Dr Snotson, hot in pursuit of the evil Rabbi Rothshite and his Zionist kikester crime syndicate?

*Under new EUSSR regulations the word "gyppo " is no longer politically correct. They must now be referred to as Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers - or CUNTS for short.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.