Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Posh Dave Scameron to become Time Lord

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Not happy with their failed attempt to flog off the lush and verdant forests of our once sceptred isle to Pikey Pete’s Firewood Emporium for thirty pieces of silver, the Tory-dominated Libservative Coalition Government are now hell bent on fucking around with the clocks and daylight savings instead.

PM Posh Dave Scameron last summer (third Wednesday in June) tasked the Tourism Minister, John Penrose, to motivate his arse right around the UK on a mountain bike and ‘Shank’s Pony’ as part of his ‘nose to the ground’ mission to woo more visitors to our green and pleasant land - and place the industry at the heart of Broken Britain’s economic recovery.

Penrose was challenged to get his proverbial shit together and make fact-finding trips to hotels, beaches, non-gay B & Bs, Lapland style visitor attractions, swan roasting gyppo campsites and national parks - to formulate strategies to increase the UK’s share of world tourism – and ensure Britain gets more Chinese tourists in 2011 than our historical enemy and scumbag neighbours across the Channel – specifically France.

One report has just been handed to Scameron’s cabinet office Behavioural Insight Team (aka the Nudge-Nudge Unit) for consideration this week, generated by a think tank composed of members of Penrose’s Ministry of Tourism and the newly-formed ‘Ministry of What Can We Fuck With Next’, headed by Rebecca Harris, the Tory MP for Vegemite South and the main mover and shaker behind her House of Conmans Private Members Bill, specifically the ‘Daylight Saving Bill’ currently before Parliament.

The commercially-biased report suggests that Britain will benefit from a strategy that includes moving the clocks forward to bring them in line with south-east Europe’s Mediterranean coast - providing – in Britain’s unique case - much darker mornings but lighter evenings - weather permitting.

Unfortunately no-one seems able to ascertain whether this Libservative think tank – comprised of a cabal of beardies and anoraks with more degrees that a thermometer – who have labelled their assignment with the gobbledegook moniker of ‘The Single/Double Summer Time Project’ - are actually aware that at 02:00 hours on the last Sunday of March each year our clocks go forward one hour to complement the nation’s ‘Daylight Savings’ effort – which at mid-summer provides 16 hours, 38 minutes and 21 seconds of daylight – with dawn kicking in at 04:43 hours and dusk at 21:22 hours.

Now surely that’s enough for any fucker and their dog to get an early jogging session in before heading off down to the Jobcentre to show their face and look for non-existent employment opportunities - plus cop a couple of hours of gardening – followed by a leisurely pint in the beer garden of their local boozer before they’re away with the gathering twilight down to Dogger’s Wood for a spot of al fresco humpty.

Not satisfied with our cup running over with summer season daylight, Penrose and Harris are planning on advancing our sacred clocks forward not ‘one’ but ‘two’ hours on the 27th March, so while the Sunday sunset will be delayed until 21:25 hours that night it won’t actually get light until 09:30 am the following Monday morning – providing opportunities galore for nocturnal land animals (badgers and hedgepigs), cyclists and schoolchildren to get confused and run down by a wide variety of road vehicles – driven by equally-bewildered and disorientated bog-eyed commuters and the local anti-Christ White Van Man.

So, for egg-laying free range chucks – and too Seasonal Affect Disorder sufferers - who need an equal spread of daylight in the mornings as well as the evenings to stimulate the pituitary gland and produce melanin – as normally provided by Mother Nature each summer - they’re going to be totally fucked up – and yet another good reason to vote UKIP or Green at the next election.

Thought for the day: Apart from the longer hours of night and darkness providing burglars and muggers the opportunity to combat the recession by working overtime, rumours abound that the Single-Double Summer Time Daylight Saving Bill, if passed, will be ignored and boycotted by members of the ‘Early Bird Catches the Worm Society’.
Further, the BBC has denied rampant gossip that Posh Dave Scameron is to be Dr Who’s next wormhole-popping Time Lord.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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