Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Royal Wedding Invites – Buy 1 Get 1 Free

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In an effort to get a few bob together to pay for this April’s imminent right royal wedding bash for Prince Willy and Kate Middleclass now that the Libservative Coalition’s cheap Charlie Chancellor Georgie Osborne has cut the life blood out of public spending – especially so on the useless nobility and other associated parasitic life forms, the Queen and Philip have been flogging invitations to attend the Westminster Abbey ceremony through eBay auctions - with offers of ‘Three for the Price of Two’ for ringside seats remitted through Paypal and a ‘Buy One get One Free’ deal if paying in cash and picking invites up personally from Liz & Phil’s Herne Hill-based Souvlaki Kebab Grill at Brixton's Yardie Central.

To totally recoup the costs, a DVD rip recording is planned of the wedding night nuptial coupling(s) for ‘onanist’ consumption and is contracted to be broadcast on YouTube live from where the conjugal ‘bonding’ action takes place (Happy Ending Motel, Brighton) – with a full cacophony of genuine sound effects - grunts, moans, groans, pussy farts, bed head hitting the wall like a fiddler’s elbow playing the Flight of the Bumblebee and “OMG, that’s my arse!” screams – all wholly uncensored.

A copycat / counterfeit ‘Brown-Windsor-Leeches’ eBay page has now been removed following complaints from customers leaving negative feedback that the offered sale of Kate Middleclass used panties was a sham and the crotch had been rubbed with a dead mackerel – and untouched by her ‘celestial’ virgin (sic) minge.

The full contingent of 1900 sit-down guests have now been ‘allocated’ invites to the wedding ceremony at Westminster Abbey on April 29th. Roughly 600 more will join the lunch reception hosted by the Queen and her choleric Greek spouse Philip in the private dining area of Jack’s Chippy on Fleet Street – with a tight coterie of only 300 close family and friends attending the evening dinner and dance hosted by Wills’ Dad: Prince Chazzer and Gorgonzilla, the chain-smoking Duchess of Cornhole, at the Reefer & Hemp Club in Soho.

A ‘Bracelet of Steel’ circle of tight security to guard the occasion has been contracted out to a gang of Libyan shepherd boys who recently proved their mettle and martial worth by capturing a highly embarrassed contingent of MI6 agents and 22nd SAS Regiment troopers at a Benghazi oasis a couple of weeks ago. They’ll be tasked with prohibiting the entry of a predicted horde of gate crashers – such as the disaffected mini-Hobbit mental midget troll French Premier Nicky Sarkozy and other assorted packrats like the kiddie-fiddling Italian stallion PM Silvio Corruptioni – and especially the influence-peddling Fat Fergie of York.

As Willy isn’t next in line to the throne and has to work for a living like the rest of the proletariat inhabitants of our green and pleasant isle – (currently washing sea rescue choppers at RAF Valley on Anglesey) - no politically-elected heads of state have been invited – which has apparently got the super-slapper socially-ambitious US First Lady Michelle O’Barmy going nuts and howling invectives concerning ‘ racist snubs’: “Dem honky royal shits don’t want no nigga-in-de-woodpile cuckoos from Kenya – dat’s de reason!”

Actually included on the rich n shameless invite list will be the usual gamut of public school Hooray Henry faggots and Galloping Godfreys – with the Royal Box contingent at Westminster Abbey wholly conspicuous by the fact their elitist clans of mutant misfit gorps, complete with every physical and psychological defect known to medical science, have been swimming at the shallow end of the European gene pool for millenniums – hence their prognathous jaws and fucked up dentistry, caused by generations of negative inbreeding that’s equipped them to eat an apple through a chicken wire fence.

So, who is attending? UK Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron, Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg, Labour Party leader Ed Millipede – and London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense – on the proviso he gets a proper haircut.
Prince William’s old girlfriends Fellattia van der Gamm (Miss Marmite 2004) and Olivia Titwank will be there to seethe with jealousy – and perhaps join in a raunchy cluster-fuck later at the Happy Ending Motel in Brighton. Unsubstantiated rumour has it that Kate Middleclass’s ex-boyfriend Rupert Fuctifino from St. Andrews – he with the self-harming and erection / Viagra addiction problems - may yet be attending the reception – in the company of his therapist to ensure he doesn’t try to sneak in a bag of Poundland box cutters and make a bloody spectacle of himself.

Other than members of Will’s Hash House Harriers mates – and his pisshead brother – the ginger-mingin Harry - around forty foreign crowned heads have been invited.
Among them are Ghaban ibn Himar, the King of Jordan; Liwat Manuke Khara, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi; Umak Sharmuta, the Sultan of Oman; Buttplug Bolkiah, the Sultan of Brunei; and Crown Prince Istimna ibn Zamel, of Saudi Arabia; as well as the all-new glow in the dark radioactive Emperor of Japan: Plutonium the First.
Mahmoud Iskandar, the Malaysian Sultan of Johore had been invited on the proviso he took his medication, stayed off the grog and promised not to beat any golf caddies to death. Unfortunately the royal equerry later reporter his Regal Barbarity died in 2010, which luckily loosed up another vacant invitation for auction on e-Bay

The 35-stone King of Tonga – Attila the Fat – has been invited on the understanding he doesn’t repeat his pig trough performance displayed at Chazzer and Diana’s wedding – and keeps his sticky voracious paws out of the finger snacks and sherry trifle until the starter’s pistol has been fired for first rush at the buffet.
Apparently the ruler of Bahrain, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, has had to decline his wedding invitation due being fully occupied for the coming months massacring pro-democracy demonstrators with the help of Saudi Arabia’s 21st Gingham Tea Towel Brigade mercenary thugs, supplied by King Abdullah the Gross.

Kate’s disgraced uncle, Gary Goldshit, has been invited to the wedding ceremony only as it is feared it might be a case of counting the tea spoons if he turned up at the reception. Also, Prince Wills’ Uncle Andrew caught a gobful off the Queen when he rang up inquiring about the late delivery of his invitation – only to cop an earful concerning his dodgy business connections with foreign despots and heathen pisspots.

Royal wedding present list: Please tick one – or more – items below and add your credit card or Swiss bank sort code and account number.

Private jet – Gulfstream VI / Dassault Falcon 900 DX type.
Executive helicopter – Aerospatiale AS355 Twin Squirrel with white zebra skin seats.
His n Hers Aston Martin ‘Vanquish’ – with 4 x 4 option.
Perini-Navi 125-foot luxury yacht.
Secluded Caribbean island.
1,000 hectare Stag / Grouse moor – Southern Highlands - preferably with lodge.
Manor house - small to medium – or renovated castle – Home Counties area.
Chesterfield oak and leather style practice / trainer throne.
Indentured servants – preferably Asian with vaccination certificates / visas.
Directorships of blue chip companies – preferably Fortune 100.
Lifetime membership ‘Free Pass’ for Blockbuster Video.

NB: No tea towels, Pyrex oven-proof dish sets, Pound Stretcher ceramics, pre-Columbian Tupperware, DIY wind turbines, Venomous Vixen crotchless panties, Grigio Perla budgie smugglers or Argos vouchers, thank you.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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