Monday, 14 March 2011

Trials & Tribulations: Jury Service

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

So, Rusty’s just catching up with his Skewed News Views this week after a fortnight of Jury Service – which was a bit of a bore yet definitely a better deal than being in the dock wearing handcuffs and getting prodded with a Taser by some fat dyke bitch from the Renta-Thug security agency every time you tell a porky.

What the twelve of us were hoping for was having one of our ex-MPs in the dock on charges of embezzlement for fiddling their Parliamentary expenses – and buying hand-crafted bespoke duck island pagodas – or having their moat dredged and the drawbridge and portcullis repaired – all out of the taxpayer’s purse.

Alas, no such perverse luck – but we did get an interesting case of one warty old bat, up on charges of witchcraft – casting the evil eye on some farmer’s sheep and blighting a neighbour’s crops – but she changed her plea to ‘Guilty’ after a session on the ducking stool set alongside the Minshull Street canal. Alas for ‘deterring penalties’ - yet another ‘burned at the stake’ sentence reduced to an Asbo and community service.

Some of these cases must have been waiting quite a while to come to court as we were tasked with trying one bloke called Darwin posthumously - on charges of heresy for some blasphemous scribble he’d been peddling that claimed God was more at scent than substance and we were all descended from banana-munching chimps – including the Judge.

Then we had a couple of pikeys up for poaching swans and cattle rustling – and a case of ‘aggravated zoophilia’ – which involved a bloke charged with fucking a pig. Ah yes, good fun and laughs galore – especially with the witness box filled with a mix of Chav scrotes and Hoodie scallies – and nail-biting, tear-jerking Yobette slappers – all of whom looked like they’d popped in for an audition for parts in Shameless.

This bunch were there as cheer-leaders for the accused in a case involving one of Troublespot Taverns ubiquitous gin palaces – the Asbo Arms at Stench Hill - and where both the complainants and defendants had consumed innumerable litres of Old Headbanger Special Brew and Bitch Thumper lager, then got into it for no other reason apart from the fact it seemed like a good idea at the time – with Bud-non-the-Wiser bottles and pool cues being the weapons of choice – and some hapless sod getting twatted in the face with one – then the blunt end rammed up his shitter.

Fortunately the court provides jurors with a Scum Bag Index guide to help with their ‘guilty or not guilty’ deliberations - which is so crafted that it multiplies the inventory of a suspect’s tattoos with the square root of the sum of body piercings – divided by the number of missing teeth - times the total of pints of lager they drank on the night in question – to give an estimate of the person’s IQ and the unlikelihood that they are in any way innocent.

Last but by no means least we copped for some Yorkshire scally called Guy who was up on charges of domestic terrorism and high treason no less – for running a weapons of mass distraction factory in his garden shed that was turning out hundreds of box cutters per week - and was also found to be in possession of plans to blow up the House of Conmans and snuff Posh Dave Scameron and Mick Clogg – and all the rest of the Parliamentary rabble. That was an easy deliberation – five minutes – Not Guilty.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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