GOP Alarmist Concocts Laptop Bombs

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rep Louie Gohmert, the ultra-Islamophobic Republican Congressman from Redneck County, Texas, appeared on Pox News morning edition over the weekend, being interviewed by the moronic Gretchen Carlson – a female of the species who, each time she opens her mouth without first engaging brain, presents the perfect example of proving the chauvanist argument that a woman is no more than a life support system for a pussy.

However, to be fair, by this very same rule, Representative Gohmert, a Fraggle Rock refugee look-alike cursed a permanent shit-eating grin, could be classed on the Linnaean taxonomy index as a life support system for an arsehole – and most definitely the type of person you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise.

Gohmert, a man of limited intellect who spent most of his formative years wagging school and trying on his Mother’s underclothes and KKK bedsheet outfit, always comes across as a bloke who thinks wood grows on trees and still believes Calamity Jane was a virgin. On Saturday morning, during the Pox News interview he went into Chicken Little mode and warned his fellow Americans of a nefarious al Qaeda plot to blow up jet liners using carry-on laptop computer bombs – a plot known only to himself.

Gohmert learned of the insidious terrorist scheme, he explained to bubble-headed Carlson, while flying from DC to Texas.
"I was sat next to this engineer guy from IBM and he was telling me that there was enough highly explosive lithium in his laptop battery to destroy twenty-five Boeing 747 Jumbo jets – and the only thing preventing terrorists from doing just that is a lack of know-how in the nuclear physics department.”
“So this is why I’m here this morning, to warn the Department of Homeland Insecurity and the TSA that anyone with a basic knowledge of organic chemistry is a potential terrorist – especially these Muslim guys. Hey, and you know the worst part is that they have organic chemistry classes at these madrassas where they teach terrorists how to fly planes and blow themselves up.”

It was at this moment that Pox News host Gretchen Carlson suffered a severe blonde moment siezure, screamed “OMG!” and went into blabberwocky mode.
“If those Muslim terrorists could do so much damage to America on 9/11 when they were all flying coach and only armed with box cutters, just think what they can do with the high explosive lithium power pack in a laptop computer – and isn’t this lithium stuff radioactive too?”

“No shit, we’ve got to warn the FBI – and the DHS and the TSA to start doing background checks on any air travellers who are flying coach and have dipomas in organic chemistry - and try to board a plane with a laptop. These guys need to go straight on the no-fly registry – along with all the sex offenders and hi-fiving Israelis.”

Hmmm, if the moronic Carlson had another brain cell it would doubtless die of lonliness.

At this point Gohmert, still pursuing his pro-Zionist career policy of demonising Islam, interrupted her to get his two-penneth of scaremongering black propaganda in before the audience simply got bull-shitted out of all proportion and switched channels.
"In the long term we're going to be requiring a background check for anyone taking organic chemistry at school or college – and they’ll have to register with their local police department and the DHS.”
“More to the point, there needs to be a warning to colleges that teaching anyone about chemistry without first expediting background checks and getting a psychiatric assessment is now paramount to strapping a Semtex ‘Big Bang’ suicide vest to a would-be Jihadi terrorist fanatic.”

Hmmm, the intellectually-challenged Rep Gohmert of Texas is the self-same jingoistic individual that single-handedly pissed off the ruling Politburo of the People’s Utopia of China by accusing them of redirecting US funds donated to protect endangered species to be spent on lashings of Moo Goo Dog Pan (dog stew).

While there’s a good chance Gohmert will expedite his own demise by swallowing a dose of his own xenophobic venom, he remains a bit like Scotland Yard’s imbecilic CO19 Plod Squad Unit – couldn’t tell the difference between a Brazilian electrician and a Muslim terrorist was if one was pissing down his leg.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.