Thursday, 10 March 2011

UK 2011 Census Questionnaire Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Office of National Statistics, with a helping hand from the Libservative Coalition’s all-new ‘Ministry of What Can We Fuck With Next’ – plus crucial input by a bunch of beardies and anoraks manning the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money’s ‘think tank’ - has this week boosted the Royal Mail’s annual profits by tasking them with the delivery of their voluminous and intrusive 2011 Big Nosy Bastard Census ‘Household Questionnaire’ packages through millions of letterboxes across Britain.

The ‘National Statistician’ herself no less, one Ms Jil Matheson, whose unintelligible signature on the front page, adorning her ‘’Act Now!’ message to the common ‘sheeple’, and looking as though it was scrawled by Brian the Snail towing a fountain pen behind him - informs us that the census is used to help plan and ‘fund’ services for our communities – such as transport, health and education.

Hmmm, is this woman from Dimension X, or living in a cave or exiled to one of the solar system’s outer planets – wholly uninformed and ignorant concerning Chancellor George Osborne’s draconic budget cuts to local authority funding and the slashing of social welfare benefits?

Further to this initial faux pas, obviously Ms Matheson suffered a severe ‘blonde moment’ attack when compiling the census form if one considers the content of Page #8 ‘Person 1 - Question 17: “This question is intentionally left blank” – a piece of moronic clerkship which inspires the anti-authoritarian mischievous side of any anarchist’s brain to render an obvious reply of “I have intentionally avoided answering this question as you failed to ask it.”

This piece of ‘statistical’ idiocy is repeated on pages #12, #16, #20, #24 and #28 for Persons 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 – but one might consider it odd that no provision has been made for pikey dosser households where inclusion of Persons 25, 26 and 27 etc, et al, might be required.

Questions 22 through 43 scrutinize such personal details as educational qualifications and employment factors. “Did you ever attend school classes – or just play with the other kids that did?” “Did you pass your 11-plus?” “Were you presented with a certificate that states you have the naunce to wipe your own arse?”
Question 26 inquires “Do you ever get off your lazy arse and look for work?” - with Question 31 actually posing a recriminatory “Have you ever worked?” - and if so, in what year?

Question 35 is a corker: “Briefly describe what you do (did) in your main job” – which stimulates one’s satirical sense of the bloody obvious to affect the reply “Worked fucking hard – flat out like a lizard drinking - and still got made redundant!”

Question 20 remains the nosy old creedal interrogative of “What is your religion?” – which again inspires mischief in reply – Cheesy Crust Church of Latter Day Pizzas or Pancake Tuesday Adventist – or even the latest fad of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

A pity no mention is made of the fact that the Government Statistical Service has a permanent staff of 6,700 strong, including enumerators,, analysts and support jobsworths – all in for the long ride with no chance of redundancies while they’re busy tasked doing a head count of the hapless fuckers who marked down 'Unemployed' on their census forms.

So, get your job applications in quick – at a £24,000 quid per annum starting salary for a statistical officer, that’s not a bad wage when considering the only qualification required is the ability to use a calculator.
Remember, this is job security. The content of the census remains confidential for 100 years – due the fact it takes that long to process the entire caboodle – and by which time it’s totally irrelevant and out-dated as regardless of advancements in medicine and NHS standards, most people who completed the form in 2011 will be dead before the next one’s due.

Thought for the day: Why don’t they conduct the census on the 24th December than we can put down Santa Claus as a ‘Visitor’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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