Sunday, 27 March 2011

RattleTrack Contrive Non-Liability Scam

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Resorting to the ultimate in Orwellian newspeak, British rail firms led by the absurd and unfit for purpose RattleTrack, are employing hundreds of staff whose only job is to find excuses to dodge responsibility and avoid paying out delay compensation to commuters adversely affected by the company’s shithouse services.

Train operators, which include RattleTrack, National Snail-Rail, Virgin Trains, Whore Liners, Non-Arriva Wales, First Crapital Connect, Southern Derailment, Ferret Express and Nutwork Rail, are in the process of hiring 300 'Delay Attribution Officers’ to avoid paying any and all forms of compensation to the perennially inconvenienced public traveller by simply laying the blame for late trains – or no trains – on some other hapless fucker and their dog – and hopefully on the actual commuters themselves by inferring the onus lies on their shoulders due the fact they didn’t exercise their democratic and common sense option to go by bus.

When delays do occur - which are a given daily manifestation since British Rail got it in the neck from the porcine Dr Beeching and the entire UK rail network was turned over to the clutches of profit-first privatised incompetents - the Delay Attribution Officers are to be tasked with finding someone other than their employer to hold liable, and thereby avoid paying compensation. The bean counters estimate this method - aided by scumbag lawyers working alongside the DAOs – will deprive affected commuters of millions of pounds in delay repayments annually – and thus boost already bloated profits for the fat cat CEO’s running the already-subsidised ‘circus without a tent’ corporate calamities.

According to the latest figures leaked to Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers watchdog charity, the sponging train firms received a total of £450 zillion quid in subsidies from the hapless taxpayer in 2010. However, Ox-Rat further revealed that the DAOs are merely a singular method the rail service companies resort to when dodging their legal and contractual obligations – with the main evasive trick achieved by averaging the punctuality figures for their entire operation via concealing the regular under-performance of one service on other routes.

Another dodge is the top secret ‘working timetable’, which allows trains a window of arrival, in which they are actually late but can be considered to be technically on time. Que – WTF? you might well comment – however long distance trains can arrive ten minutes after their schedule timetable and yet still be on time for the purposes of compensation – with shorter distance trains claiming a five-minute window. So the ‘working timetable’ racket is actually a disingenuous term for a spot of perfidious lying through their teeth and ‘cheating’.

A further tactic is the method for tallying late trains wherein a train is only counted as late if it arrives at its final destination beyond this window – late arrivals at intervening stops do not count – much to the anger of commuter groups.

The Daily Shitraker recently revealed that thousands of affected commuters were denied payouts by First Crap Connect after it passed its punctuality targets by a wafer-thin mathematically absurd margin of 0.000002 %.
Prior to the delusional disclosure, the service provider - which operates some of the shabbiest passenger coaches in the country - had announced the biggest fare rises for the 2010-2011 period.

When global warming went tits up just before Christmas and the next Ice Age made its presence felt, scores of RattleTrack passengers were forced to spend the night on a train after its locomotive engine’s cooling system froze up due a lack of anti-freeze, prompting industry regulators and rail users alike to comment that they’d seen better organised riots.

Ms Beverly Titwank, RattleTrack’s spokeswoman, informed one reporter from the Choo-Choo Review that the firm had compensated passengers with spray cans of de-icer and sent ‘Get Well Soon’ cards to all those who lost fingers and toes to frostbite – or the surviving relatives of any who ended up resembling Otzi the Iceman.

For the edification of the UK’s marginalised unemployed, RattleTrack’s website job advertisement for Delay Attribution Officers reads ‘Applicants must have the proven ability to keep a straight face, possess a stifled conscience, be a good liar and totally devoid of moral scruples. Post would suit career criminal - such as out-of-work banker or MP.’

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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