WTF? Mercury Could Host Winter Olympics?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

NASA’s ‘Asbestos 3’ space probe, currently in a close proximity orbit around the Sun, has discovered evidence of masses of ice covering Mercury's north and south polar regions.

Though the planet is closest to the Sun in our solar system, with surface temperatures similar to those of such Third World desert shitholes as Saudi Arabia - soaring above 400 Centigrade, even on a cloudy day - some craters at Mercury's poles are so deep they’re permanently in shadow, turning them into veritable cold traps.

Even with its severe elliptical orbit Mercury still averages a neighbourly ‘up close and personal’ 28 million mile rotational distance from the Sun compared to the Earth’s ‘temperate life support zone’ of a healthy 93 million miles.

Dr Winnebago Jaffacake of NASA’s Advanced Guesswork think tank, informed press hacks that the discovery throws up a direct challenge to the credibility of the dodgy global warming science lobby and their contrived push to sell the profit-motivated carbon credits cap n trade exchange scam.

“Let me put it this way, while the surface of Mercury is what we anoraks and beardie science types term as ‘very, very hot’ - there is sufficient ice present at the polar regions to host a Winter Olympics event – and freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”

“So, how do these startling revelations reflect on the hysteria over anthropogenic global warming here on Planet Earth, might we ask? Well, for starters, Professor Chicken Little, the head climate propaganda merchant for Broken Britain’s East Anglia University Scaremongering Department, has most definitely had his passport to scientific acceptance revoked – along with that barmy Indian Neanderthal clone that heads the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change - Rajendra Pachauri,”

“Really, we have this pair of clots telling us the Himalayan glaciers had disappeared and the icecaps were melting at a geometric rate and all the polar bears were going to drown – and that Antarctica’s penguins would have nowhere to make a nest – and advising every sod and their dog to learn to swim as we’d all be up to our knees in seawater by 2015.”

“Then when the hundreds of global warming conference delegates and doomsayers all got stuck in Copenhagen due the heavy snowfall a couple of Decembers back, that theory was proved to be so much bullshit and got tossed out of the window.”

“What a pair of utter twats those two were – self-promoting scum after a Nobel Prize and selling their souls to the god Mammon for thirty pieces of silver in a corrupt effort to justify legislation to ban the use of anything that might create carbon dioxide - and shut down all oil and coal fired power stations immediately if not sooner – then implement the New World Order’s Agenda 21 to stop people breathing.”

Thought for the day: Wild rumours and gossip that Mercury might well be selected for an off-planet TV spectacular to stage the finals of ‘Strictly Come Dancing on Ice’ remain unconfirmed – as do similar internet cyber-hoaxes including one that Canada’s Toronto Tossers ice hockey team will face the Montreal Morons at Mercury’s North Pole arena.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.