Sunday, 8 April 2012

NHS Blame Granny for Global Warming

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An elderly widow and twelve-times grandmother has been ordered to find a new GP because the “carbon footprint” of her two-mile round trips to the surgery - (where she had been treated for the past 65 years) – manifested through pushing her wheeled Zimmer frame has been deemed to represent a clear and present danger to the fragile state of an already-depleted ozone layer due the masses of CO2 exhaled from her belaboured Marlboro Man lungs.

Mrs Candida Mingerot, 96, was informed by her local NHS authority, the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, to address the “green travelling issues” concerning bi-weekly journeys from her home at Smegmadale-on-Sea to the Lepers End Surgery for anal prolapse checks and prescription renewals.

The NHS Trust letter viewed by one press hack from the Daily Shitraker stated: “Our greatest concern is for your health and convenience but also taking into consideration green travelling issues. Re: carbon footprints and winter weather conditions, we feel it would be advisable for senior citizen patients, such as yourself, to register at a GP surgery closer to where they live.”
"Hence we would be very grateful if you could make the necessary arrangements to re-register at another practice immediately, if not sooner.”

Mrs Mingerot believes the decision was made because she complained about one doctor who ‘harassed’ her to give up smoking two packs of ‘cowboy killers’ a day.
“So this twat of a locum has a listen ter me chest wiv his stethoscope thingy an’ sez - “Yer gotta give up the fags, darlin’ cos they’re killin’ yer – an’ I’ll give yer a prescription fer some patches an’ nicotine chewin’ gum” – an’ I tells him ‘Look sonny, I can’t breath proper of a mornin’ til I’ve had a mug of builder’s tea an’ a couple of ciggies ter kick me lungs inter gear an’ get me coughin’ – so yer can stick yer patches an’ gum.”

“Then I gets this effin’ letter sayin’ I’ve gotta find a doctor’s closer ter home cos they want ter reduce me carbon footprint in line wiv some crap regulations put out by the EUSSR in Brussels. Well, then I really saw me arse an’ spit the dummy an’ got straight on the blower ter Age Concern – cos the next GP surgery’s five effin’ miles away.”

“Ter my mind I’m getting’ treated like shit cos I don’t want ter give up me fags an’ it’s got sweet fuck all ter do wiv me livin’ so far away. Bollocks, it’s only an effin’ mile – so this is just a poxy excuse ter get rid of me. Now I’m all stressed out an’ smokin’ even more cos they puts this Swiss Dignitas Clinic euthanasia advert in the envelope wiv the letter .”

“Anthropogenic global warmin’ and carbon footprint, my arse - it’s all a bunch of contrived political scaremongerin’ an’ definitely not my effin’ fault the stupid polar bears are drownin’. Ter my mind it all comes across as a pile of authoritarian terrorism aimed directly at us: the senior citizen demographic – wot they now class as useless eaters cos we draw a state pension an’ don’t pay effin’ taxes any more.”

While the Lepers End Surgery staff declined to comment, Mr Dinsdale Scumm, the head of governance, risk and customer services for NHS West Smegmashire, informed the media "Although we are unable to comment on individual cases, we would like to assure patients there is a very strict NHS procedure that GP practices are required to adhere to before they can remove patients from their lists – such as submitting a completed and signed death certificate for the patient in question.”
“Further, I would advise all patients who have concerns about any aspect of local NHS care to contact our patient advice and liaison service call centre in New Delhi.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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