Beware: UK Education Gulags Nazified

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Irate parents have hit the roof and accused a girl’s high school in Yorkshire of imposing a dictatorial fascist regime of discipline after hundreds of children were slapped with detention penalties for failing to bring items such as hankies and pencil sharpeners to classes.

The Auschwitz Asbo Central Academy in horrid Huddersfield texted parents during the Easter break to inform them that children would henceforth receive mandatory detention punishments if they failed to bring their own desk and chair, a planner diary, pencils and a sharpener, a ruler and a calculator, and a pack of HSE-approved condoms, to classes.

Candida Mingerot, a 16-year-old mother of three, was one of hundreds of pupils given a detention order after teachers carried out Soviet Stasi style bag searches on the first Monday morning of the new term.
“They went through every fucker’s bag wiv a checklist an’ I got pulled outa the full body scanner queue cos they said I woz lookin’ at them funny – an’ got strip searched by that poxy lesbo slag of an art teacher Mingeeter Cameltoe wot stuck her fingers up me snatch an’ arse ter see if I woz hidin’ any drugs up there – an’ all she pulled out woz a tampax wot woz left up there from last month’s ‘follow the reds’ week.”
“So I threw her the bird an’ sez yer can stick yer detention up yer jacksy, yer rug-munchin’ dyke cos me Mum’s baby-sittin’ an’’ I gotta get home cos she’s workin’ at her job as a pole dancer at the Swan an’ Pikey Club at six o’clock.”

Slapella McScally, 13, copped a detention penalty due forgetting to bring her pencil sharpener – with mother Chantelle, 26, informing one press hack from the Totalitarians Gazette that "I thought the text from the school meant you would get a detention if you didn't bring in your pencil case - not just one individual fuckin’ item. It's laughable that she got a detention for not having a sharpener when she carries a switchblade stuck in her suspender belt as protection against paedo’ rapists that hang around the park when she’s walking home and can use that to put a point on her pencils.”

Scores of Bolshie parents told their kids to boycott the detention punishments when officious staff at the Auschwitz Asbo Central Academy launched a personal equipment crackdown on day one of the new term.

Tessie Trollenberg, whose daughter Sluttsy attends the academy, told media reporters “Apparently this draconic regime has taken off since the school staff attended a lecture hosted by the Common Purpose NLP social engineering group over the Easter holiday at the behest of the new head teacher and have come back totally brainwashed and acting like a bunch of Gestapo Sturmbannführers.”

“Personally I blame this despotic discipline drive on these barmy EUSSR regulations coming out of Brussels and sending us this German exchange head teacher, Olga Himmler, who rumour has it previously worked as a welfare officer for NATO at Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison.”
“Several mothers thought something weird was afoot as soon as she arrived and had the school maintenance men put that Arbeit Macht Frei sign up over the school gate during the Easter break.”
“Really, there are far more important things like truancy, getting stoned in class or stabbing teachers to impose detentions for – and not something as ridiculous as forgetting a gym class sweater bra or a pack of crayons."

Conversely head teacher Frau Himmler, introducing herself to pupils in assembly at 10:00 am on the Monday morning, informed them that at least 200 children had been given a one-hour detention after school – a number that rose during the day to as high as 500 - one in three pupils at the school.
“Perhaps the parents are objecting to my interpretation of discipline by imposing one hour detentions. Well, next week we shall see if these penalties have had the desired effect – and if not, then we shall move on to Stage 2 and start a regime of water-boarding and finger nail pulling until my student compliance requirements are met.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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