Boat Race Foils Self-Harm Bid

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A destitute London man has been arrested and charged over an incident which led to the Easter Saturday 158th University Boat Race turning into a total cluster fuck.

The Oxford and Cambridge boats were abreast of each other and level pegging off Harrods Suppository after 10 minutes and 30 seconds when the race was ‘heaved to’ due an inconsiderate member of the common herd doggy paddling out into mid-stream in an attempt to commit suicide by drowning – wholly unaware the iconic annual boat race was underway.

Ron McSkanger, 35, a homeless person with deep-rooted mental health issues, who was reported to have been sleeping rough around Shitechapel Hamlets in East London, was hooked by obliging fishermen and winched ashore, where he was arrested by Thames Riverbank Wardens on secondment from the G4S Renta-Thug Security Agency and will appear at Scruntford Magistrates' Court on the 23rd April charged with a Section 5 offence of the Public Nuisance Act 2010.

Interviewed by a gaggle of amused press hacks outside the Chiswick Plod Squad Station following his release on bail, McSkanger related “How the fuck woz I supposed ter know there was an effin’ boat race on?”
“I’ve bin all pissed off an’ sufferin’ wiv manic depression since the Libservative Coalition got inter office two years ago an’ gutted me welfare benefits – then ter add insult ter injury the Samaritans outsourced their call centres ter New Delhi an’ some bloke called Achmed actually recommended it might be best if I did do myself in - an’ stop ringin’ him up every night fer a bit of a chat an’ a whinge.”

“So there I am sat on the river bank an’ paddle out ter the middle of the Thames, all nice an’ quiet - an’ after goin’ under a couple of times an’ getting’ a lung-full of water me whole life starts spininn’ out before me eyes – then this effin’ oar hits me on the head an’ some twat wiv a posh accent starts shoutin’ “I say you bloody oick, get out of the fucking way!”

“Well, fuck me drunk on a Sunday – how is a bloke suppose ter concentrate on puttin’ an end ter it all when yer have two boatloads of hairy arsed upper class prats gobbin’ off at yer an’ demandin’ yer paddle off elsewhere when yer can’t bleedin’ swim in the first place?”

Sergeant Chris Twatt of the Metropolitan Police informed the media “It was a closely-fought race which looked to be heading for an exciting finish until that inconsiderate bastard McSkanger appeared in the middle of the river. We thought it was one of those Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist crazies with a torpedo at first. Really, why they stopped I’m buggered if I know – they should have taken his head off with the blades.”

Umpire John Parrott halted the race after his assistant, the four-time Olympic cat-hurling champion Sir Matthew Pinstripe, spotted McSkanger in the water just after the crews had passed the Harrods Suppository checkpoint.

Parrott told BBC 1’s ‘Suicide Watch’ programme "It was totally unbelievable. We thought it was just another aborted foetus some slapper had chucked in the night before - then Matthew shouted it was probably a couple of illegal immigrants trying to sneak across from Middlesex to Surrey without a visa – until we realised the daft sod was on a self-harming suicide mission.”

Thought for the day. Reports that Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, were giving each-way odds on Cambridge winning the race have this morning been discounted as malicious rumours.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.