Gorgonzilla Gets Grand Dame Cross

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As the Prince of Wales and his wife Gorgonzilla - aka the Duchess of Cornhole – prepare to celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary in an ostentatious Lucullan display of extravagant waste, the chain-smoking troll has been made a Dame Grand Cross, the highest female rank in the Royal Victorian Order – in recognition of taking on the unenviable role of having a ‘plant whispering’ moronic clot like Chazzer for a husband and groping bed partner.

The announcement by Buckingham Palace came the day after Camilla cut the ceremonial blue ribbon on her 100th landfill site opening at Slumborough Hamlets in East London and will be invested with the insignia of her rank when the Queen eventually get round to the task of bestowing titles on the next bunch of the unwashed common herd who made it to the royal honours list.

Buckingham Palace spokeswoman Chlamydia Mingerot explained to one press hack from the Gravy Train Gazette that Camilla, now a haggard-looking 64 with more wrinkles than a desiccated prune, had earned the award for putting up with the bonkers bat-eared Prince and his eccentric mannerisms and numerous idiosyncratic peculiarities.

Appointments to the Royal Victorian Order are made by the Queen independently of the ‘cash for honours and access’ political gang running 10 Downing Street – with the Order being founded in April 1896 by Queen Victoria as a way of rewarding personal service – with the first ‘gong’ going to Ms. Mingeeter Godermiche, the Queen’s personal lady-in-waiting for ‘services rendered’.

Since Chazzer’s first wife Diana was conveniently murdered in the Pont de l’Alma Tunnel in 1997 in what many viewed as a rather drastic plot to induce a miscarriage and prevent the birth of a Muslim-fathered sprog with a claim to the throne, the Gorgonzilla beast has been at the addle-brained Prince’s side and become the patron of a number of charitable organisations that don’t involve any actual footwork – such as having her name on the letterhead of the Common Porpoise aid group that cater to the needs of distressed pelagic mammals – and not to be confused with Julia Middleton’s insidious NLP brainwashing and social engineering organisation - Common Purpose.

BBC correspondent Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle commented: "After Diana was bumped off and Gorgonzilla became Charles's second wife, her involvement in royal engagements was gradual. But now she's often seen opening one of the ubiquitous new Greedy Grocer supermarket chain branches for Pestco or Pukesburys or Mammon & Snobfords in those dreadful, soulless ‘retail parks’ that seem to have sprung up around the UK – or in the village High Street snipping the ribbon at a branch of Cash Converters or Pound Stretcher.”

"Hence the word on the street is that Gorgonzilla's award is in recognition of her many royal engagements over the past seven years and is an indication of her importance within the Royal family as a handy gopher to dispatch and put in an appearance at functions nobody else wants to touch with a bargepole.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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