Saturday, 28 April 2012

Cell Phones Harmless to Humans

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A coven of commercially-funded anoraks and beardies from the University of East Anglia’s Department for Advanced Guesswork – all possessed with more degrees than a thermometer – yesterday released their ‘risk assessment’ report that mobile phones have no negative effects on biological organisms (us) and are hence ordained safe for human use.

Hmmm, not exactly a trustyworthy source of appraisal considering the felonious manipulation of global warming data (zero Arctic ice / drowning polar bears / glacial depletion / penguins dying of heat exhaustion) by their senior academics, concocted to promote the carbon credit cap n trade exchange scam a couple of short years ago.

So this disingenuous “cell phones pose no danger” announcement joins the notorious global index of major lies: “The cheque’s in the post” – “One size fits all!” and “Promise I won’t come in your mouth”.
Pose no danger, eh – so why add a ‘caution before cure’ proviso that growing toddlers, juveniles and adolescents should avoid protracted use of said phones?

While the UK's Health Protection Agency signs off on these most questionable findings, a canny general public should be aware that powerful economic vested interests have been at work in the shadows, alike the Kurumaku puppeteers behind the black curtain, to ensure their radio frequency emitting (electro-radiation) devices are perceived as safe – until large festering cancerous tumours start growing out of users ears – or they wake up one morning feeling rather woozy and notice a large puddle of grey matter ‘brain juice’ soaking into the pillow.

To wit, this disingenuous report that there is currently ‘no scientific evidence’ that cell phones are harmful to human health does not equate with any form of guarantee or assurance that they are actually ‘safe’.

Anyone old enough to recall, the same line was touted by past governments of the day, plus the scientific community and doctors, regarding asbestos, DDT pesticide (Drop Dead Twice), fall-out radiation from nuclear tests, mercury tooth fillings, cigarette smoking, X-rays on pregnant women – and eating beef from Mad Cows.

Much as is touted today for the safety of – or lack of danger from - cell phones, methane gas ‘fracking’ poisoning ground water, depleted uranium munitions, smart meters, airport full body scanners, electric power transmission lines, chemtrails, GM crops and foods, hormone-boosted dairy and meat products, fluoride in drinking water and toothpaste – and the notorious neuro-toxic synthetic sweetener ‘aspartame’ – all of which, collectively or independently, have the potential to adversely affect the well-being of the human bio-electric organism and mutating our DNA.

Mobile phone use harmless to humans – we think not. Just the same as the Japanese politicians are preaching to their brain dead compliant population of salary men regarding the toxic radiation spewing out of Japan’s purposely sabotaged Fuckupshima nuclear power plant – it’s totally harmless. That’s why they have a 20 kilometre exclusion zone – cos it poses no danger.

Hey, no problems, if it rains or snows put up your umbrella – preferably a lead-lined one – and don’t breathe too deeply – and after eating the local fish or other sea food if you experience sudden hair loss, fingernails falling out, or bleeding from the ears, eyes, nostrils or gums - or other bodily orifices - then simply stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye – cos regardless of how many iodine tablets you chuck down, you are fucked – with a large capital F.

There are now an excess of 85 zillion mobile phones active in the UK, and because of the cell phone masts, TV and digital radio broadcasting, Wi-Fi, and other dodgy high-tech gadget developments – including vitamin-killing microwave ovens - the study admits that exposure to radio frequency fields and the associated electro-magnetic radiation smog is universal and continuous – which is possibly the cause of the drastic decline in the global bee populations and teenagers walking around like zombies.

Prof Wormhole Jaffacake, who chaired the UEA review group, informed one press hack from the Charlatans Gazette that regardless of their findings of there being no evidence mobile phones harm human health, it was important to continue monitoring research.
“Really, there are no conclusive links to cerebral tumours or other types of cancer, nor impaired body functions or infertility or cardiovascular health. However, to be perfectly honest here, and I say this on conditions of confidence and anonymity, monitoring should continue due the fact we know next to fuck all about long-term effects – especially regarding brain tumours and the possible association with Bolshie behavioural problems in children.”

Anyone interested in a novel method of boiling an egg? Take two cell phones – have one dial the other and keep the channels open. Place a free range chicken egg on the kitchen worktop and position the cell phones one on each side of the egg.
Now wait seven minutes for soft-boiled, nine minutes for hard boiled. (Note – this will not work for toast soldiers).

So there’s the evidence. Harmless to human health, my arse.


Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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