In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Culture Secretary Jeremy Kunt, the incumbent Tory MP for Slurrey, has rejected calls from the New Labour opposition benches to resign over allegations he personally kissed Rupert Mudrock’s smelly Antipodean arse and accepted thirty pieces of silver as a bribe to privately support attempts by News Corporation to grasp full control of the BSkyB ‘Hackers Channel’ satellite TV station.
New Labour leader Ed Millipede told press hacks outside the House of Conmans this morning that emails provided by whistle-blowers working for Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers government abuse watchdog charity, and presented in evidence to the witch hunting Leveson Inquiry proved Secretary Kunt had been a back channel lobbyist promoting News Corps commercial interests and exploited his quasi-judicial role rather than being impartial.
"Kunt should resign. He boasted his duty was to be transparent, impartial and fair in the BSkyB takeover - but now we learn from hacked e-mails and text messages that he was providing advice, guidance and privileged access to the manky Mudrocks.”
A string of e-mail print-outs scavenged from the Levenson Inquiry office’s trash can by Bernie the Binman, all relating to press standards, suggests there was a steady flow of information from the culture secretary's office to News Corp advisers when the firm was bidding to take over BSkyB.
In one, Candida Mingerot, head of public affairs at News Corp, informed the company’s head honcho, James Mudrock, she had received an e-mail from Secretary Kunt advising he would be only too pleased to present the BSkyB bid to Parliament in a most favourable light – on the condition that he received a full Sky Sports TV package as a reward.
In a pathetic display of innocence, Kunt claims he has now requested Lord Justice Leveson to bring forward his appearance at the inquiry. He had been scheduled to give evidence, along with other politicians - including Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron, in July of 2015.
Kunt informed salivating press hacks "Now is not a time for kneejerk reactions. We've heard one side of the story today but some of the evidence reported meetings and conversations that simply can’t be proved as I deleted the e-mails. Rather than jump on a political back-stabbing bandwagon, let’s hear what my old Masonic lodge mate Lord Justice Leveson thinks after he's heard my side of the story."
In June 2010, News Corp had been bidding to take over the 61% of the BSkyB Hackers Channel satellite TV network it didn’t already own but was stymied when in November of that year Business Secretary Vince Cable directed the media regulator Ofcom to investigate the potential anti-trust impact of the deal on media plurality.
However, when Cable was stripped of the role in December 2010, having had his e-mails and phone messages hacked and it was leaked that he thought Rupert Mudrock was a ‘nasty old twat’ and publicly declared war on the evil empire that constituted News Corp – Secretary Kunt assumed responsibility for overseeing the BSkyB bid – until Karma kicked into gear and the company abandoned the bid in July 2011 after the Screws of the World phone-hacking scandal hit the headlines and the Met’s Plod Squad detectives arrested every fucker and their dog that had ever worked for News International on suspicion of breaking some law or the other related to the Data Protection Act 1998.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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