Royal Barge to be Powered by 18 Whores

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Gloriana ‘in excelsis’ (or more fittingly Gloriana ‘so expensive’) – the first Royal barge to be built since the last one sank on the Thames over a century ago,- made its majestic maiden voyage last week, with the boat designated to lead the Queen Lizzie’s ostentatious Jubilee pageant getting its baptismal dip in a test run before the big event.

The Gloriana passed through the streets of London on Thursday morning on the back of a RAC breakdown truck after the delivery crew coughed up an exorbitant congestion charge fee to Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense’s traffic wardens, before being craned into the Thames ready for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The procession, from Wandsworth to Tower Bridge, will be led by the Gloriana, a hand-built 88 foot long row barge which will be powered by eighteen whores (oars?) pulling their collective rollocks off in a pageant comprising more than 1,000 boats scheduled to sail on June 3rd to mark the 60th anniversary of Lizzie’s interminable reign.

The event is predicted to attract more than a zillion spectators to the riverbank who will have been duped into believing the Gloriana will speed past at 20 knots with HM the Queen waterskiing behind the vessel with Wills and Kate Middleclass as Prince Philip stands on the quarterdeck with his whip and lashes the rowers into a break-neck pace set at a punishing rate by the merciless rhythm of a pounding drumbeat.

However, in all truth, the Gloriana will be followed by a fleet of paddled vessels including Welsh sheep-shaggers in coracles, Somali pirates on the lookout for a DSS welfare benefits office, and canoe loads of freshly released Icelandic fishermen taken prisoner during the 1960’s Cod Wars – while the Queen and her wastrel Greek consort Philip will travel along the Thames route by submarine to avoid any possible false flag Islamic terrorist torpedo attacks staged by MI6 and Mossad to further demonise the hapless Muslim community and justify their continuing neo-imperialist war on terror.

To the business community’s dying shame it has now been revealed the Jubilee flotilla is being funded by foreign donors (Sheikh Mohammed al Fat Git of Bahrain for one) following an outright refusal by British firms to contribute to the £10 zillion quid costs owing to a ban on branding on the side of the boats or their rigging and bunting.

A survey undertaken by the Parasites Gazette found that most FTSE 100 companies refused to donated to the ostentatious spectacle which, following the dispatch of a stream of begging e-mails transmitted from the Queen’s personal pc, is now being funded by oil-rich Gulf state Arab sponsorship in exchange for favourable arms deals and suppression of BBC news reporting on their abysmal human rights records.

As to the Gloriana, she was funded by a group of wealthy donors including Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, Sir Mortimer Slugg and Baron Angus Stairrod, the laird of Scotland’s Axminster clan.
One Thames pageant organiser, Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle of Pikeys Crotch, told press hacks that as the Gloriana was the first Royal barge to be built for a century it had been painstakingly put together over four years by a mixed work force of sixty Albanian and Polish craftsmen who refused to eat anything but poached carp and swans.

Not wishing to lose face and be left out of the thick of things, the Royal Plant Whisperer, Prince Chazzer and his disgusting troll of a wife, the chain-smoking Gorgonzilla, Duchess of Cornhole, will join the flotilla in a borrowed skiff, to be rowed by Prince Harry Hewitt, the ginger-mingin Royal cuckoo.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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