Schools NLP Brainwashing Kids to say “Baaaa”

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Warning: This is NOT a late April Fool’s Day joke.

The slack-jawed Minister of Education, Michael ‘Pob’ Gove, following consultations with the Parliamentary Committee for What Can We Fuck With Next and Julia Middleton’s sinister Common Purpose social engineering group, have decided, in their unqualified arrogance, to ban school kids from forming best friend relationships — so they don't get upset if they have a bit of a tiff or a dummy-spitting fall-out over whose turn it is to buy the jammy dodgers.

To the contrary, primary pupils are being told they shouldn't have a best friend and that everyone should be encouraged to play in large groups.

Educational psychologist Chlamydia Bonkers explained to one press hack from the Authoritarians Gazette that the policy is being introduced as an offspring of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society objective to instil a culture of paranoia and suspicion in children from the youngest age possible – so they are constantly looking over their shoulder and trust no-one – including their parents.

"They might claim to be implementing this on the grounds they want to save the child the pain of splitting up from their best friend when they’re summarily picked up by Big Brother’s Plod Squad for thought crimes or exhibiting signs of Oppositional Defiance Disorder Syndrome and sent to a re-education camp in Waziristan for a couple of years. However the truth of the matter lies in the fact they want no-one trusting anyone but the Nanny State government.”

Shabby Acrobatti, director of the Scum-Watch government abuse monitor, informed a reporter from the Fascists Review “What a bunch of unadulterated crap. This ridiculous concept is going to rob kids of their childhood. How can you ever play doctors and nurses and experiment with ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ comparative anatomy games if you don’t have a little best friend who won’t snitch you up to their mother?”

“Really, this Orwellian absurdity our Libservative tosspot masters are pushing doesn't just fly in the face of common sense, it's chilling. Children take things very seriously and if you tell them they can't have a best friend anymore then they might go and beat them to death with a hardback copy of 1984.”
“Kiddies need to learn about relationships as this type of programming could lead to the establishment of a polygamous culture with everyone into all kinds of incestuous relationships."

Conversely, Russell Knobb of the National Association of Head Teachers confirmed some schools around broken Britain’s sink or swim council housing estates were adopting best-friend bans for the purest of Big Society reasons and to gain acceptance for Scameron’s fatally-flawed multi-cultural society concepts.

“Let’s be honest here, we can’t have a New World Order if it’s full of sodding individuals, all thinking for themselves – that’s why we have a ‘Cradle to the Grave’ Big Brother State who people should view as their only real and true friend.”
“Just take a look at the order of things in Mother Nature. Have you ever seen a sheep with a best friend? Of course not, they all play together in one big group – what social engineering gurus refer to as a flock or herd.”

Do you have a best friend? How many friends do you actually have? Are the police aware of this fact? Did you declare and list your friends on the last national census form - especially if one’s called Winston Smith?

Send your comments using the online reply form below – a selection of which may be published, displaying your name and location so the local council authority can impose the all-new ‘Best Friends Tax’.

Thought for the day: Who actually thinks this shit up – Shaun the Sheep – or the Ministry for the Fucking Ridiculous?

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees, badgers or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However a large number of ‘best friends’ were expunged and driven to self-harming / suicidal actions.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.