US Secret Service Can't Keep Secret

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under the glare of the alternative media spotlights now collectively focusing their beams on the burgeoning Secret Service personnel scandal, Ms Sapphie Dildodo, spokeswoman for US Secretary of State, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, yesterday issued an official press statement admitting that a score of cheap three hole whores were discovered in the rooms of US military and Secret Service security detail personnel at the Hotel de Los Putas in Cartagena, Colombia while President Barky O’Barmy was attending the Summit of the Americas last weekend to manipulate regional opinion and instigate a regime change in Venezuela.

US Secret Service Director Sherman Scumberg related to press hacks that he personally was appalled by the agent’s actions and intended pursuing a vigorous internal investigation by interviewing witnesses ‘and participants’ in Cartagena, where a group of SS agents and military personnel allegedly engaged in a three day rampant sex romp at the 5-star hotel occupied by the American delegation - with an excess of 20 local prostitutes bar fined for the week from the notorious Slappers n Sluts Club – a two-bit low-life dive located in the thick of the city’s sin-ridden Bahia de las Animas waterfront bars and whore houses.

To add insult to injury and the possibility of bugging, blackmail - and too the assassination of the security detail’s Presidential boss - it has since been established that the Slappers n Sluts Club is actually owned and controlled by Columbia’s infamous El Snorto cocaine cartel.

Rumours claim the scandal was leaked by resentful gay members of the security detail who felt left out of the executive suite orgy when denied admittance with their underage male prostitute companions from the Sodomites Bar on the Bocagrade’s Calle del Arseholes nightclub strip.

SS Director Scumberg added to his initial statement that "We demand all of our employees adhere to the highest professional and ethical standards and are committed to a full review of this matter. I’ve ordered an investigation of the entire security detail - including the snubbed faggots who got their sensibilities offended, blew the whistle and caused this goddamn embarrassing ruckus. For Christ’s sake, we can’t have these guys going into nose-out-of-joint kiss and tell mode or the secret service won’t be very secret any more.”

The gospel according to Ms Miriam Weaselstein, the top Republican on the Senate's Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee and a director of the ultra-Zionist Israeli lobbyist group AIPAC: “All military personnel and secret service agents involved have been ordered to return to Washington immediately for interviews - and where necessary, to undergo polygraph tests to see who is telling porky pies – as the entire shebang was captured on CCTV footage for posterity.”

"What my committee wants to know is who these women were? Could they have been members of groups hostile to the United States? Perhaps al Qaeda Muslim sluts disguised as Latina whores? Could they have been part of some Columbian narco-terrorist group like FARC or one of the plethora of organised crime drug cartels that may have planted bugs, disabled weapons, or jeopardised the security of the President by poisoning his snort or filmed him having a male bonding session in the bathhouse pool?”

A Camp Moron Marine Corps spokeswoman Mingeeter Godermiche, was tasked with issuing a press statement on Tuesday that among the military service members being investigated were two Marine dog handlers assigned to the Cartagena security detail who allowed their animals to be videoed taking part in a K9 ‘Fido Position’ clusterfuck session with the whores in the Presidential Suite - a high resolution copy of which later turned up on YouTube and garnered some 12,000,000 hits within 24 hours.

Conversely, while the sordid details of what occurred are still being revealed via sanitised official media channels, one militant Republican activist website has posted damning facts that agents were drinking in the Slappers n Sluts Club – a high-end strip joint – with the Capo de Capi of the El Snorto drug cartel - showing off their badges and bragging about being Secret Service agents, holding the very life of the US President in their hands – then revealing: “As good Republican Party members and this being an election year we intend to use the opportunity to embarrass the hell out of this prick of a Kenyan interloper. Really, it might be our job to guard the Pres’ but at heart we’re Americans first and true patriots.”

“It was bad enough guarding that moron Dubya Bush for two election-fiddled terms and having to swallow the propaganda bullshit of 9/11 being a Muslim terrorist attack when it was a false flag operation by Mossad and the rogue neo-cons all along - aimed at gutting the US Constitution and our Bill of Rights.”
“Now we’re really getting our noses rubbed in the brown smelly stuff and being lumbered with guarding this Kenyan-Indonesian cuckoo with a forged Hawaiian birth certificate and a counterfeit social security number – who’s not even an American. That’s why we’re pulling this exposé so the only honest Republican candidate, Ron Paul, gets elected to the Oval Office this November.”

While the number one suspect being blamed for manipulating this brouhaha is Venezuelan Premier Hugo Chavez, the White House has since issued a total denial that Larry Sinclair was the pimp involved in recruiting the underage girls and bell hops - or that President O’Barmy personally hosted a booze and cocaine-fuelled bisexual clusterfuck orgy in his suite – or the back of a limousine following a massage session at the Maricon Bathhouse on Cartagena’s Pendero Plaza.

Thought for the day. No shit, what a scandal that little lot is for the Beacon of Democracy. Almost as bad as the outrageous revelations from US intelligence agency whistle-blowers that the Pentagon, with the support of Kuwait’s despotic rulers - plus the complicit involvement of the UAE, Saudi Arabia and Qatar - is overseeing the training of Muslim terrorists on the Arifjan military base in Kuwait, preparing them for attacks around Middle Eastern nations where they want to instigate regime changes.

The recruits are sent to the Arifjan base where they’re taught over a three month period how to make IED bombs and conduct terror operations before being dispatched on their personal Jihads as ringleaders to Third World countries such as Libya, Yemen, Somalia, Niger, Mali, Iran, Iraq and Syria to set up networks inside these hapless nations and embark on acts of sabotage and generalised terrorism.

To conclude, fuck the Great Satan and their PNAC / Foreign Policy Initiative – and the Rothshite crime syndicate’s ZioNazi New World Order 'Protocols' – and the whore-mongering US Secret Service.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.