Friday, 27 April 2012

Cabbage Patch Dave Overworked

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Posh Dave Scameron spit the dummy with press hacks yesterday and soundly rejected accusations that he’s ‘a lazy twat’ – instead fielding a defence that if it wasn’t for taking his daily Irish power naps in the Cabinet Office and regular mini-breaks then he’d end up like Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown – “a complete tosser – shagged out and good for nothing – which is when political leaders are apt to make some very bad judgements – such as sanctioning the illegal invasion of Iraq, having Dr David Kelly ‘suicided’ and elevating Peter ‘Vermin in Ermine’ Scandalson to the House of Lords then making him Business Secretary.”

Posh Dave continued: "Really, the sodding public have got to see my side of the argument. Surely it’s got to be possible to be a half-arsed decent husband, a good Dad that reads the kids a bedtime story about how Lord Rothshite got to be so rich - and a reasonable Prime Minister at the same time – even though Tony Bliar and Gordon failed miserably on all three counts.”

Scameron dismissed claims he is too relaxed in Downing Street, telling Baz McSkanger from the red top Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid "It certainly doesn't feel that way from my end of the equation. Sammy kicks me out of bed as soon as the alarm goes off at 5:30 and I’m at the kitchen table working away like one of those kids in a Third World sweat shop that we see on the TV.”
“I’m absolutely driven by the government's mission, which is all about rewarding people who – like myself – work very hard and don’t just sit around drinking coffee and talking bullshit – and here you can quote me – such as Ed Millipede and New Labour’s gang of losers on the opposition benches.”

“Being top dog in Downing Street and the House of Conmans is no fun as you’re forever involved in a leg-cocking pissing contest to remark your territory. It’s a 24/7 job where I’m flat out like a lizard drinking and banging my head on the wall - especially when you have that little Kenyan git, Barky Obama, ringing up from the White House in the middle of the damn night saying it’s Britain’s turn to sell arms to the Syrian rebels – and we’re not doing enough to promote the war on terror like Mossad and the CIA.”

“Believe me, the MI5 and MI6 intelligence services are hard pushed to concoct any more convincing terrorist plots since that barmy ricin bomb scare they came up with got laughed to death. Then we had those false flag attacks on the London tube system on 7/7 which were so amateurish and transparent with them planting the C4 explosives underneath the carriages and claiming it was black pepper and peroxide– especially when Mohammed al Patsy and the other stupid stooges they’d recruited from some madrassa in Leeds missed their train and showed up at Canary Wharf to grass to the newspapers when they were supposed to be dead already.”

“How Bliar wriggled out of that one and managed to get them all double-tapped and body bagged and nothing in the media is a credit to the slimy, lying prat.”

“I mean, if people think I’ve got it cushy, how would you react if the Israeli PM Bobo Nuttyahoo calls up while you’re out on a pheasant shoot or riding to hounds, just to complain that someone made an anti-Semitic comment on the BBC’s prime time Latter Day War Crimes programme and he wants me to pass a law making the Boycotts, Divestment and Sanctions for Palestine campaign an offence – then labels me a Holohoax denier when I tell him Britain’s a democracy and unlike Israel has a policy of allowing free speech.”
“The next bloody thing I’ve got Baron Rothshite on the phone as well – or one of his crime syndicate heavies - accusing me of being rude to Nuttyahoo – and reminding me that Churchill never apologised to the Board of Jewish Deputies for refusing to bomb Auschwitz.”

“Then, same as last night, to cap it all, Chancellor Osborne rings up while I'm in bed - just as Samantha’s feeding me more Viagra and doing her best to get my willy to stand up and pay attention - and says that horrid French witch Christine Legarde has faxed him from Brussels and she wants another £10 zillion quid for our IMF commitments – or else. So first thing the next morning I’ve got to present myself at the Bank of England – on bended knees again – and beg my old school chum, Governor Robin Gitt, to put his lads on overtime, do a spot of quantitative easing, and print up a couple of hundred billion £££ nicker to tide us over.”

“Next I get another slap in the face this morning when some civil service dogsbody from Trade & Industry comes barging into the Cabinet Office and drops a bombshell that according to the latest figures from the National Statistics Office, Broken Britain’s sunk back into recession.”
“I kid you not, it’s damn annoying to have a bunch of unemployed oicks referring to me as a ‘first class twat’ behind my back as I’m big mates with Rupert Mudrock and Rebekah Wade - and spreading nasty rumours that my constituency isn’t really Shitney but the Rothshite’s Fortune 500 corporations.

“Then on Monday my e-mail box was overflowing with subversive missives from all quarters, calling me a ‘useless tosspot’ for sanctioning an extra bank holiday last year for Wills and Kate Middleclass’s wedding, and another for Queen Lizzie’s Diamond Jubilee but vetoing one for St George’s Day.”
“Seriously, some days I get the urge to say ‘Sod it!’ and defect over to the Opposition benches with Ed Millipede and take it easy. They’ve got it cushy right now as all they do is whinge at our failings then sit back and chew the duckfat and fill in their expense claims forms.”

Thought for the day: The gospel according to the Commons Public Administration Committee claims a lack of strategic thinking by the Libservatives is leading to a "patch and mend" approach to policy-making, just the same as the bodged job applied to fixing Broken Britain’s pot-holed roads with Tarmite.
Hence the Libservative Coalition is viewed by astute observers and canny analysts alike – and too the general voting demographic – as the political equivalent of Scrapheap Challenge.

As to the celebration of St George’s Day in our once-Merrie England – unlike St Taffy’s Day in Welsh Wales , St Mick’s Day in Ireland, and St Jock’s Day in Scotland – our national hero’s day passes by largely unnoticed as while the poxy government sanction an extra bank holiday for Wills and Kate Middleclass’s wedding – and too for Queen Lizzie’s Diamond Jubilee – our iconic paladin who slew the nasty, old fire-belching dragon (no, not Gorgonzilla, the equally-grotesque chain-smoking Duchess of Cornhole) gets short shrift and forgotten.

To wit, fuck Scameron’s platitudes and his Big Society pet social engineering project - and the Tory’s banner slogan that “we’re all up shitcreek together”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Tony said...

Very good Ally, you have the same knack with words as Rusty did! :-)