Wednesday, 18 April 2012

UK Drought could last until it Rains

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK Met’ Office and the University of East Anglia’s Advanced Guessology Department today issued a joint press release stating for the public record that the current drought affecting the Midlands and Southern counties of England is expected to continue until the next time it rains.

A coven of beardies and anoraks representing the Met Office’s brightest sparks, with all boasting more degrees than a thermometer (and not an ounce of common sense between them) have teamed up with the UEA’s notorious Advanced Guessology Department to consult their Cassandra Oracle pc software programme and predict the seasonal onset of the next dowry of parmy – or conjure up a quick-fix remedy for the drought-stricken regions.

Professor Phyllis Jones, of the University of East Anglia’s ‘Creative Climate Assessment’ division informed media hacks that “This isn’t like manipulating the results of anthropogenic global warming or climate change research models for the IPCC and the carbon credit cap and trade exchange lobbyists. We’ve tried using the HAARP array and cloud seeding - and had a bunch of Indian fakirs from Wolverhampton do their traditional Rajasthan rain dance – all to no avail. So, press sarcasm besides, no matter how many dodgy e-mails we send it isn’t going to make it rain either.”

The Environment Agency added their two-penneth to the moronic litany of ‘stating the bloody obvious’ comments by declaring that the unseasonable dry weather over the past few months was being caused by a lack of rainfall – that had left some rivers in England exceptionally low – which on a lighter note was good news for those living in homes erroneously built on flood plains by get rich quick housing developers.

Sahara Desert style drought zones have been declared in a further seventeen English counties, following a warning from the Met Office that water shortages could last until the next time it rains.

Conversely, in a pathetic attempt to avoid another Chinese fire drill style ‘tanker drivers strike / fuel shortage’ crisis stampede and have the entire parched population of Southern England draining the reservoirs, canals and duckponds and stockpiling bottles, pots and pans of H2O, Libservative Coalition government officials claim public water supplies are unlikely to be affected by the continuing drought.

However, the ginger mingin Tory Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman, she cursed with the Desperate Dan chin, speaking to one press hack from the Thirsty Gits Review outside the House of Conmans yesterday, reiterated calls for the public to use water wisely and to maintain the traditional British habit of taking a bath or shower once a month – and only flushing the bog after the whole family have taken their daily dump.

Ms Spelman did express doubts that the hosepipe ban would be lifted even if it rains for a couple of days – until some sharp witted subversive with their finger on the pulse pointed out for her benefit that gardeners and lawn enthusiasts would have no need of a hosepipe once it started raining.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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