Saturday, 7 April 2012

Welcome to Kafkaville Central

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Yes, it’s confirmed – Broken Britain’s semi-autonomous local government bureaucracy has finally gone overboard and into totally batshit bonkers mode.

Ken Tosser, an alderman with Lancashire’s Smegmadale Municipal Council, today informed amused press hacks that his Scatology Unit were in discussions with a forensic veterinary proctologist over plans to analyse lumps of dog shite found on pavements and in parks and subject them to DNA matching.

“Wot we’re lookin’ at here is ter introduce a doggy DNA database then it’ll be possible ter identify offendin’ pooches from a sample of the poop wot the effin’ owner’s not been arsed ter scoop up an’ bag.”
“So, one of our Coprophilia Team will be on the scene wiv their camera ter take a piccy of the offending mess - then get a sample in one of them little bags like wot they have on CSI on the telly - an’ send it off ter the vets ter get it DNA typed an’ matched.”

“Once we get a positive i/d on the offending dog then it’s up ter our Community Enforcement Unit or whatever staff we get from the Renta-Thug Security Agency ter go round an’ kick the bastard dog owner’s front door in an’ impose a fixed penalty spot fine of £1,000 quid - an’ slap 3 points on their effin’ dog licence.”

When asked how much the scheme would cost to implement Tosser replied “Fucked if I know – but that’s not a problem as it’ll all go on next year’s council tax bill.”

So, more fascist surveillance – this time aimed at man’s best friend by yet another bunch of shit-for-brains officious Stasi intimidators hiding behind a cheap plastic laminated “I am a Twat” badge – with a mini-CCTV camera attached. More uniform fetishists – all Common Purpose trained and graduated with an NVQ1 in Moronology.

Hmmm, we are forced to ponder: are there sufficient controls in place to prevent the entire scheme becoming yet another addition to the official abuse system as we see in so many other daily instances of the tip-toe Orwellian panopticon state that is engulfing us like a dark cloud of totalitarian miasma?

Thought for the day: fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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