How to Sniff Out a Potential Coverup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A jury of twelve good men (and women) were yesterday presented with testimony that a clutchy Plod Squad ‘boy racer’ was driving his patrol car in excess of double the speed limit in a built-up residential area of Sheffield - without lights or sirens – in the early hours of the morning when he hit and killed a student.

The Bradford Crown Court jury heard evidence that Jamie Haslett, 19, of the Isle of Man, was in his second year of studies for a business management degree at Sheffield Hallam University and suffered massive internal physiological trauma upon being struck by a speeding South Yorkshire Police car in October of 2010.

The court heard that PC Rodney Craig Mills of Twatthorpe Rise, Kuntsborough, Sheffield - who had the brazen audacity to deny causing death by careless driving - was driving back to the police station before responding to a silent 999 call when he struck the hapless Mr Haslett, who died at the scene from head injuries after being thrown what Olympic javelin and discus chuckers refer to as "a considerable distance" through the air.

Mr Armitage Shanks, QC, prosecuting, informed the court that PC Mills – since charged with causing death by careless driving - was travelling at 58 mph in a 30 mph limit zone – too fast to see Mr Haslett, who was crossing the road to return to his student accommodation, until less than a nano-second before the fatal impact at the junction of Kismet Lane and Bad Luck Street – which occurred at 03:45 GMT on 27th October 2010.

Following the crash, which PC Mills claims was unavoidable, he reportedly stopped his police vehicle and went to Mr Haslett’s aid, but being a plod of limited intelligence and lacking any form of paramedic skills, there was nothing he could do apart from call an ambulance and watch his victim bleed out.

Mr Shanks informed the court that unlike the rest of the road-using public, police drivers were not always bound by speed limits but were expected to maintain a standard of safety and not go running down pedestrians or cyclists – and especially university students who had massive tuition fee loan debts to repay to the usurious banking system.

"PC Mills ignored traffic regulations and failed to drive with sufficient care and attention in the circumstances, speeding through a built-up area like some video game maniac, with no regard for the safety of others.”
"At the time he saw Jamie Haslett and began to press the brake, maybe some half a second before the impact, there was nothing he could do to avoid his victim and a fatal collision was pre-ordained."

In total contrast to the prosecution evidence and testimony, PC Mills defence attorney, Ms Chlamydia Mingerot, QC, in an attempt to exonerate her client of all blame and responsibility for the speeding offence and ensuing collision – and resulting death of the victim - informed the court that the ill-fated Mr James Haslett not only failed to look left, right and then left again before stepping off the curb, but was three times over the drink-drive limit and hence in no condition to be crossing roads following a boozy night out on the town.

Responding to this bizarre defence strategy, Ms Shabby Acrobati, the Common Purpose-trained director of the Scum-Watch establishment anti-abuse sentinel, opined to one press hack from the red top Daily Shitraker: “Now that argument presents a legal conundrum that bears the stench of yet another Plod Squad ‘get out of jail free’ ticket / coverup. When, might we ask, has being over the drink-drive limit applied to pedestrians that can still put one foot in front of the other?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.