US Rambo Goes Berserk in Lahore

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ms Mingeeter Dildodo, the personal assistant of the US Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, today announced to the White House press corps and anyone else still gullible enough to pay any attention to their festering lies and scaremongering propaganda, that embassy officials will prove before a Pakistani court later this week that a US citizen in police custody for the illegal killing of two Pakistani nationals in Lahore has diplomatic immunity and can thus snuff who the fuck he likes - with Uncle Sam's anointed blessings.

Raymond Allen Davis, a 36-year old mercenary thug attached to the US Consulate was remanded for a further 14 days on Friday over the January 27th killings. Faced with the testimony of several dozen eye witnesses, Davis finally admitted he shot both men in the backs, but claims it was in self-defence as they were trying to rob him.

The case is threatening to derail US ties with Pakistan, a Muppet Show stooge ally in the false flag war to demonise Islam and all Muslims as Jolly Jihadi crazies out to destroy the American dream – and Western democracy.
However, the gospel according to Beltway insiders claims the bouffanted US Democratic Senator John Kerry is on his way to Lahore to expedite a spot of Paki-slapping and do his bit to help resolve the diplomatic row sparked by inconsiderate police officers arresting Mr Davis for a couple of murders.

Kerry, who is also the chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, has been tasked with calming ‘frayed (read ‘in tatters’) diplomatic relations’ between the US and Pakistan – and will use the tried and tested ‘carrot and stick’ approach of threatening, blackmailing or bribing senior government officials in Islamabad to secure Davis’s release.

Davis, who apparently has no past history of gratuitous Paki-bashing, is currently charged on two counts - murder and possession of illegal weapons and ammunition – whole shit-piles of which were discovered in the trunk of his Honda Civic – along with enough cellphones to restock Carphone Warehouse – a stash which according to Davis must have been in the vehicle already when he rented it from Hertz.

The American miscreant is reportedly being held at the high-security Kota Shitpit Jail in Lahore, with the next hearing scheduled for the 25th February.

Davis told police that he acted in self-defence during the incident on 27 January because the motorcycle rider and his pillion passenger tried to hijack his vehicle at gunpoint – hence why he shot them both in the back several times through his car windscreen. He claims to have contacted the US Embassy via radio and as his Keystone Cops colleagues came to his aid in a second car, their vehicle ran over and killed a third party – one of these hapless fuckers commonly described in the news - and obituary pages - as ‘an innocent bystander’.

Now the jam thickens and the plot gets dirtier by the column inch - and begins to sound like the director’s cut script from a Road Runner / Wiley T Coyote cartoon.

When Davis was arrested in the immediate bloody aftermath of the double murder in a hectic business section of Lahore, after he had fatally shot two men in the back, claiming that he feared they might be threatening to rob him, police discovered an exclusive array of business cards, which included one listing him as working out of the US’s Peshawar Consulate, on the edge of the Pashtun Tribal area, one listing him as a Defence Department contractor, and yet others stating he worked as a ‘security specialist’ for a company called Hyperion-Protective Consultants LLC, of Orlando, Florida.

In addition to the bucket loads of bullets, for both the Glock and a Beretta allegedly used to kill the two motorcyclists in his pinpoint shots through the Civic’s front windshield, there were several clips of M-16 shells along with military-grade knives, garrotting wires, and a surprising array of high-capacity magazines for the handguns. This was definitely not the run-of-the-mill armament issued to an embassy security guard - one of the various titles that the State Department has disingenuously claimed for Davis at the Lahore Consulate to date.

However, what the Lahore police considered profoundly puzzling and disturbing was a hi-tech digital camera loaded with pictures of scores of mosques, madrassas (religious schools) and other government buildings around Lahore.
(A bit like the two 22nd SAS troopers dressed in their best Mohammed al Patsy disguises on hire from the local Renta-Raghead theatrical shop - who were copped red-handed in Basra, Iraq, with a shit-pile of false flag attack bombing gear in the trunk – and who were busted out of the city jail by a tank regiment before they could squawk.)

So, while Davis’s Pentagon military service file states he was demobbed in 2003 after serving ten years with Special Forces actual facts seem to contradict that line. Is he now with the CIA / intelligence services – or a Slackwater / XE type contractor – or still assigned to Delta on black op’s?
The Lahore Consulate’s geeky description of him being ‘administrative and technical staff’ is belied by the nine bulls-eye shots that he put, rapid-fire fashion, into the two Paki motorcyclists, engaging with deadly accuracy through the front windshield of his car – and optical refraction be buggered.

Conflicting reports in the Paki press speculate the two men Davis killed were not petty thieves who followed him on their motor bike after he made a cash withdrawal at an ATM but were actually agents working for Pakistan’s ISI intelligence service assigned to tail and snuff Davis because he was a spy who ISI knew was up to no good with his madrassas surveillance.

Thus the panic at the State Department right now, with Clinton and O’Barmy shitting kittens and Kerry dispatched to soothe trouble waters. They want Davis out of Paki hands immediately – if not sooner – and are not only threatening to cut off financial assistance to Pakistan but also cancel a planned visit by President Barky O’Barmy if Davis is not released forthwith.

Hmmm, now that’s some pretty heavy pressure for a low-ranking consular contractor - especially so for one who had no choice but to admitted he shot two locals to death while apparently not working in any official capacity – as a Pentagon ninja.

Thought for the day: The contents of a US diplomat’s pockets.
9 mm Glock pistol, 9mm Beretta auto pistol, five magazines for each handgun, 78 loose rounds of 9mm parabellum ammunition, several 30-round clips if M-16 5.56mm ammunition, one US non-diplomatic passport, an SSB transceiver wireless set, a DGPS unit, one pistol pouch, one handbag containing a Geiger counter, two wallets, two K-bar fighting knives, two garrotting piano wires, five mobile phones (Nokia 18910, Samsung, A1303, Sony Ericsson T 700, Nokia 1616, 6300), Pakistani Rs 5,805 in cash and foreign currencies (Yen 58,915; Omani Baisa 1,100; US $126), four empty Glock magazines of 9mm, a telescope, an infrared light, a digital camera, wire cutters, headband torch, night vision goggles, survival kit, several flash drives and memory cards, 19 SIM cards of different cell companies, discount vouchers for McDonald’s Chew n Spew, Biffo’s Barf Burgers and Domino Effect Pizzas, various ATM cards, an open destination PIA ticket, money exchange receipts, blank cheques from Federal Savings Bank, USA.

Alas, no sign of a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.