Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Heroin Trade Slammed by Inflation

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Forget weather-related shortfalls and inflation hitting the agricultural produce supply prices or negatively affecting your weekly shopping bill at any one of the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket branches - just cast a sympathetic eye in the direction of the country’s hard drug addicts – faced with a doubling of the street price for a couple of grams of decent heroin – with a kilo of pure H going for £40,000 quid compared to the £18,000 listed by the UK’s Consumer Price Index charts last September.

One Smegmadale-on-Sea career addict Slagella McSpliff, a 16-year old mother-of-three, told a reporter from the Mainliners Gazette that “The only effin’ reason we ever went fer heroin as our number one choice of narcotics in the first place woz due the UK invadin’ Afghanistan in 2001 an’ takin’ control of the opium crops after they booted them Luddite Taliban purists out of power - an’ us lot, like bleedin’ idiots, reckoned we woz on a dead cert’ fer a safe supply wiv ‘avin’ our own squaddies guardin’ the poppy fields – an’ at a fixed annual 1.5% level of inflation ter boot.”

“It’s gotta be supply manipulation wot’s uppin’ the street price – especially considering the tens of thousands of US and British troops wot’s stationed there ter guard the stuff. Some fucker’s gettin’ greedy an’ now we can’t afford a fix on the addict’s disability allowance since this new Chancellor twat Osbourne’s cut our welfare money back ter sweet eff’ all."
"No shit, these benefit cuts are even affectin’ the potheads an’ the alkies too – they can’t afford a couple of gallons of Shite Lightnin’ cider a day ter support their ‘abit anymore. It’s all a load of old bollocks – we should ‘ave stuck wiv Columbian snort powder.”

The UK Plod Squad’s Serious Organised Crime Agency disingenuously claim the current shortage of heroin is due to traditional smuggling routes being blocked by heavy snowfalls in Northern Afghanistan and flooding across Pakistan - and maintain the street price has doubled according to the mechanics of supply and demand.

Conversely, Europe's biggest drug testing company, Crackheads SA, informed the media that the number of addicts testing positively for heroin had halved in 2010 – from 300,000 to a mere 145,500 - mainly due the fact only 146,000 were tested with the other half being frozen to death due last December’s freak global warming effect when temperatures dropped below that of a penguin’s bum – or are still in hibernation under a pile of cardboard boxes until Spring – around mid-May.

Do you live in a narcotics addict-infested area? Do you have the odd ounce of H or snort to spare – or a couple of hundred quid a week to donate to the needy? Even the odd bit of ganja or a few bifta dimps out of the recycling pot won’t go astray. If so, you can find Slagella and her mates huddled up between the dumpsters at the Smegmadale-on-Sea branch of Pestco Extra. Never forget – every little helps.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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