UK Welfare Benefits Overhaul Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Secure in the comfort of a £135,000 quid per annum salary, plus generous expenses and a guaranteed retirement package, the Department for Work and Pensions Commissar, Iain Duncan Shitt, has announced to any fucker and their dog interested in listening to his blabberwocky waffle, that he intends to introduce an all-new ‘Universal Credit’ for the UK’s career spongers and ne'er-do-well's - but is set to come down hard on cheats and intends to cap welfare benefits at £26,000 per annum.

Hmmm, nice one - if you’ve got £26,000 grand a year coming in for doing sweet fuck all, why bother looking for a job or volunteering to join Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron’s ‘Big Society’.

The gospel according to the Libservative coalition has recently been amended to admit that the current welfare payments system is more fucked up than a soup sandwich and actively discourages claimants from looking for work, or those in low-paid jobs from grafting longer hours, as increased rates of tax and benefit reductions leave them worse off.

Hence, in an effort to sell his Big Society with ‘We’re All In The Shit Together’ style sound bites and demonstrate to the pig-ignorant public the moral and spiritual value of being in work, Posh Dave is personally guaranteeing that for every £1 extra people earn, they will be at least 35 pence better off as a result of being in work.

Que? WTF? Is that it – the big selling point? We’re gonna fix Broken Britain with lashings of ‘Scameronomics’? How to get people off benefits and back into work – or those of the public herd already in employment to work more overtime – by promising them for every £1 quid they earn extra they’ll be 35 pence better off? Something sounds fucked with a large capital F.

While my area of expertise doesn’t touch on Keynesian economics, I would still consider it, from a logical and common sense perspective, more of a lure and temptation to labour, for the government to stop fucking the cat with their old ‘Robbing Peter to pay Paul’ fiscal legerdemain tricks and come up with a sound bite teaser that serves to guarantee people that for every £1 quid extra they earn they’ll be £1 quid better off – and definitely not short of 65 pence on the pound. A mantra that goes something like “Hey, never forget, for every quid you bring in it’s a full quid in!”

Obviously this isn’t the brainchild of the intellectually-challenged DWP Czar Iain Duncan-Shitt, so who is actually running the Libservative’s ideology think tank on this one? Wallace and Gromet SA - or the Wiley T. Coyote Benefits Agency quango?

Do you have any old sound bites or manky mantras lying around at home that Cabbage Patch Dave and his cabinet office Behavioural Insight Team- aka ‘The Nudge Unit’ – might find useful? Any hackneyed WW2 Churchill propaganda speech pamphlets could come in handy as resource materials; or Goebells Nazi Party songsheets; old Stalinist monologues; extracts from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book; or a concise (unabridged) copy of Pol Pot’s most rousing speeches.

Rearrange the following sound bites into their correct order of primacy as ranked by the Tavistock Institute and Common Purpose and you could win one of our carbon-friendly ‘Big Society Volunteer’ t-shirts - embellished with the all-new ‘Smiley Oick’ logo.

Big Society Spirit (ABV 26.5%)
Failed Multiculturalism
Individual Empowerment
Patriotism
Carbon-Friendly
Captain of which Ship: Leadership or Partisanship?
Broken Britain
The Bigger Picture
Bullshit Baffles Brains
Mutual Responsibility
Fairtrade Foundations
Public Service
Quantitative Easing
Up Shit Creek – sans a Paddle
Civic Duty
Muscular Liberalism
Negative Equity
Devolving Power
Media Washing vs Brain Washing

Thought for the day: PM David Lloyd-George’s economic reforms marked Westminster’s primary attempts at establishing a welfare state to aid the unemployed and marginalised members of British society. This was a broad brush strategy pursued by successive governments blatantly aware of history (1789 and 1917) and the fact such was necessary to avoid socio-political revolutions.
Now this incompetent clot of a DWP Commissar, Iain Duncan Shitt, intends to unravel the very fabric of the Gordian knot that binds the welfare state together.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.