Jacqui the Minger Gets Into Porno

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jacqui Smith, the ex-Labour Home Secretary and former MP for Red Dork, has been busy cobbling together a documentary for the BBC Radio 5’s ‘Skank of the Week’ programme looking at the pornography industry in Britain today – an interest she developed after whistle-blowing bastards attached to the House of Conmans accounts division alerted Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog, that she’d been claiming for rentals of CockBuster Video hard porn DVDs on her Parliamentary expenses – a sin she automatically blamed on her dog-wanker of a husband ‘Dick’.

The ginger-mingin' Smith was forced to hang her head in shame and resign all government posts in 2009 after it was discovered she’d further broken the 11th Commandment on other accounts and got caught claiming that a broom cupboard at her sister’s home at Twatsbury Hamlets was her main residence, allowing her to rake in zillions of quid in expenses for her ‘second home’ in Red Dork.

At the time of the porno DVD rentals / MP’s expenses scandal, Smith claims she shit kittens when she learned her husband Dickie was a serial jackoff artist who got off on watching ‘fuck flicks’ (‘Parliamentary Sluts’ and ‘Desperate Home Secretary’s Toyboys’) and having a sly tug instead of saving his lusting passions for the matrimonial bed.

Conversely, both friends and associates alike described Dickie Timney as the type of person who instinctively prompts you to count your fingers after shaking hands with him – and a shifty rogue who was discovered to be behind a series of scandalous propaganda letters praising the work of Home Secretary Smith that were circulated to newspapers to make the expenses-fiddling bitch look good.
While the thick twat had actually signed them ‘Richard Timney, he had failed to indicate or disclose he was Jacqui Smith’s husband and managing her Parliamentary constituency office – and her personal porno DVD library.

Speaking to Hugh Jampton, a reporter from the Jackoffs Gazette, concerning her forthcoming porno documentary, aptly titled “The Three Hole Shuffle”- Smith confided that a lot of the girls involved in the industry that she met while doing her research came across as very street smart and only in it for the money.
“Well, who can blame them when you can get paid £2 grand cash-in-hand for being filmed giving some bloke a suck n spit blow job – or £1,000 per inch for taking it up the arse without a condom – and I’ve been doing all this for years and charging Dickie bugger all - no pun intended.”

“Laughter aside, just thinking about a balanced diet, I never realised you could have so much fun with those phallic-shaped fruits and salad veggies – and still get your recommended 5-a-day.”

Thought for the day: The ginger mingin' Smith, while still clinging to her post as Home Secretary and issuing Stalinist ‘exclusion orders’ against anyone and their dog of ‘foreign extraction’ that didn’t fit her model of ‘socio-political acceptance’ – was described for these xenophobic acts by veteran Guardian hack Cath Bennett as “so staggeringly capricious and stupid, as to defy evaluation”.
Hmmm, just the qualifications required for her new mega-bucks post as vice-chairman of the BBC Trust.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.