Saturday, 12 February 2011

Plod Squad Solve ‘Great Waffle Robbery’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ancient Anglo-Saxon legalese concept of ‘Finders-Keepers’ is in danger of being trampled to death under the club-footed, draconic statutes of the Thieving Gits Act 1968 if a recent case of ‘Stealing by Finding’ goes to court and is successfully prosecuted.

Dozens of unemployed and hard-up homeless peasants simply couldn’t believe their luck when one of the Greedy Grocer supermarket branches at Slumborough Hamlets was dogged by a major freezer-chiller breakdown, forced to bag up thousands of quids-worth of spoiled cold storage stock and stack it outside next to their dumpsters – ready to be perused and sampled by the discerning carrion palates of seagulls, pigeons and starlings, Roland Rat look-alikes and urban members of the Basil Brush Gang.

Ms Beverly Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three and resident of Skidrow Terraces, who only last year passed her GCSE O-Level in Benefit Fraud, came out of the adjacent Jobcentre offices for a quick bifta, spied the bags of tucker being discarded at the rear of the Pestco Excess branch – and risked life and limb fighting off a flock of ravenous magpies to salvage several packs of synthetic potato waffles, a box of Chew n Spew pies and two trays of semi-thawed Cormorant Twizzlers for her brood’s dinner that night.

However, young Bev was gob-smacked with a capital G when the Plod Squad arrived at her home later that afternoon, kicked in the front door, tasered her pet corgi for daring to bark at them – then arrested her on charges of 'theft by finding' and dragged her off to the local dungeons in handcuffs.

After being confronted with CCTV footage of helping herself to the supermarket’s garbage and charged with the offence of 'premeditated scavenging - resulting in the theft of property', then photographed, fingerprinted, DNA-swabbed and bailed, Ms Titwank, sporting a Croydon facelift hair-do, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker: “There woz a couple of thousand nicker’s worth of grub goin’ ter waste – just thrown out an’ effin’ dumped - so I thought “Ello, Bev me girl, yer can put that ter better use than seein' it wasted on feedin’ four-legged vermin.”

“The the effin’ Plod Squad turns up an’ does the front door in wiv a batterin’ ram – an’ me kids is screamin’ their effin’ heads off – an’ Corky the Corgi get zapped wiv a fuckin’ taser fer barkin’ – an’ I get threatened wiv more of the same fer callin’ them a bunch of cunts.”
“Wouldn’t yer reckon the plods could find somethin’ better ter do wiv their time than goin’ after single Mum’s wot picks up a couple of packs of tater waffles from a supermarket’s trash stash? I though their motto woz ‘Every bleedin’ little helps’?”

“Fuck me, it's all bin blown totally out of proportion - there wozn’t this much effin’ fuss the last time I got copped fer shopliftin’ a bag of Tampax from Pukesbury’s down the road.”

The word on the streets tonight, following Ms Titwank’s arrest, claims that Bev was spotted on CCTV by Pestco’s in-house security guards (on hire from the Renta-Thug Agency) fighting off a flock of magpies with a length of 4 x 2, then stuffing her Jimmy Choo-Choo designer shoulder bag with a variety of items from the discarded cold storage sacks – which had already been bid upon and paid for by a certain ‘Pigswill Pete McPustule’ - owner of ‘Pete’s Organic Piggery’ at Twatford-on-the-Wold, and the CEO of ‘Maitre Pete’s Bespoke Pork Pies’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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