Saudi King Shits Kittens – Pledges ‘Change’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Typical of all tyrants, dictators, despots and autocratic governments – past and present – when faced with the prospect of their populations of marginalised and disaffected peasant getting a cob on and turning Bolshie, they suddenly wake up aghast as the mob’s raging fury reaches critical mass level and erupts in a cataclysmic chain reaction of violent socio-political upheaval.

It is only then, out of a primordial base instinct sense of survival, that they consider it timely and appropriate to give any modicum of succour to the rampaging masses in a belated attempt to avoid a total blood and guts revolution and the overthrow of the established corrupt order. And no – offering them a slice of cake instead of bread doesn’t really cut it – just ask Marie Antoinette.

So too as above is now the case for Saudi Arabia’s ruling plutocrat, King Abdullah bin Fat Slob, who returned to Riyadh this week following a lengthy sojourn in the US of A where he has been undergoing medical treatment for a chronic ingrown double chin problem coupled to complications suffered when his sense of humour transplant rejected him.

During the time the lard-arsed monarch has been away, a popular proletariat uprising in Tunisia has seen the shitbag premier Zine el Abidine ben al Twatt and his Kleptocracy Party government flee the country (to Saudi, funnily enough) - followed by a carbon copy revolution in Egypt where the shit-for-brains protesters did a ‘frying pan to fire’ manoeuvre and moronically swapped the hatchet-faced Mubarak for a military junta – not a really astute political move when you’re bent on achieving a Democratic system of government.

Simultaneously the shit has hit the fan big time in Bahrain and Libya, with both subjected to ongoing mass protests of an order of magnitude and reaction proportionate to the sum total of past privations and sufferings experienced under the dictatorial misrule of dynastic despots and their pisspot panjandrums - setting the mood for a wave of revolt and reform throughout North Africa and the Middle East that will reshape the Pan-Arab / Islamic political landscape for better – or worse.

And this is the regional state of socio-political discontent - the great all-new Arab-Muslim game of Despot Dominoes - that King Abdullah bin Fat Slob has returned home to – with the Arab neighbourhood now resembling a war zone – and his health the subject of intense speculation, especially so since every fucker and their dog tipped to be in line for a turn on the royal throne are older than Methuselah and fit for fuck all due their sedentary lifestyles of gourmet nose-bagging, boozing, gambling, sodomising their harems of catamites and snorting tracks of Columbia’s finest unadulterated narcotic dandruff.

King Abdullah bin Fat Slob’s half-brother, Crown Prince Sultan al Paedo, who is also in his eighties, has been in charge of counting the oil dollars in his absence and is touted as the monarch’s successor – but is likewise stricken with more medical complaints than a leper’s dog and an addiction to high octane Viagra.

Hence, reflecting on the fucked up mess of anarchy the region is currently experiencing – juxtaposed with the sporadic demonstrations at home which were put down with brutal efficiency through the repressive actions of the Ministry of the Interior’s Orwellian ‘Mubahitb’ Thought Police - and the equally Kafkaesque ‘Mutaween’ religious Plod Squad - the King has committed himself to making an effort to provide some modicum of stability to Saudi society itself – in an attempt to avert a full scale revolution and re-secure his family’s privileged hedonistic position as a monarchial plutocracy - by dropping hints that a fresh order of progressive socio-economic reforms are in the air.

This façade will be maintained until fresh supplies of tear gas, stun grenades, tasers, rubber bullets and ‘Crown Crusher’ armoured vehicles are delivered from the UK’s bespoke armaments manufacturers to boost the Mubahitb’s Riot Squad arsenal of repressive weaponry ready for the planned March 11th Sabbath ‘Day of Rage’ by the nation’s stifled youth to demand the release of thousands of political prisoners.

Amongst the rumoured increased benefits for Saudi citizens still living in the Dark Ages (1432 on the Islamic calendar) will be a greater share of the national oil wealth - which will provide access to extra funds (£22 zillion quid) for the promised affordable housing projects (more tents), scholarship grants for peasant types studying abroad and a Third World equivalent of ‘social security’ for anyone who doesn’t have access to a neighbourhood oasis.

The Saudi royal family, utilizing the propaganda factor of Mecca being the centre of the Islamic faith, have for decades maintained a policy of disingenuously manipulating and proselytizing the tenets and strictures of the Qur’an and Wahhabist Islam to establish and maintain the most repressive regime in the Middle East – with the most minor of civil infractions punishable under Sharia Law by the psychopathic zealots comprising the rabid ranks of the Mutaween religious police.

In line with the promised reforms, King Abdullah bin Fat Slob is discussing with the Imam hierarchy a relaxation of the severity of barbaric punishments currently applied to both civil and religious crimes.
These are said to include adultery – for which one can get beheaded or stoned – both equally as painful. Imbibing alcohol, double parking outside a mosque and goat sex all currently carry a mandatory penalty of 50 lashes.
Coveting thy neighbour’s possession gets a hand chopped off; dissing the royal family cops for your tongue severed, and a sideways glance at royal pussy gets an eye gouged out.

All these offences are henceforth to be downgraded in severity and punished with community service orders and Asbo’s. And to cap it all, in what is viewed as ‘real liberalisation’ and a first for ‘women’s suffrage’, married females of the species will be allowed to sleep naked alongside their husbands and no longer mandated to wear a burka in bed.

Thought for the day: Socio-political reforms besides, human rights and wrongs advocacy in the backward autocratic kingdom of Saudi Arabia is as dangerous a pastime as a game of jaywalking with a blindfold on the M25 in rush hour – where anyone foolish enough to gossip about or diss the royal family – or register a complaint over the regime’s abysmal record of permitting any measure of ‘decaffeinated liberalism’ - ends up tossed into the dungeons of the Buraida General Prison – sharing a cell with a bunch of poxed-up Bidoon Bedouin untouchables who get off on bum sex with any form of mammal – two or four-legged.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.