Malaysian Fatwa Labels St Val’s Day ‘Haram’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The south-east Asian state of Malaysia - never renowned for its tolerance of ‘anything’ apart from their Royal Sultans committing free-range murders and beating golf caddies to a bloody pulp with a 9-iron for giggling after they missed a piss-easy putt - has stepped up a Sharia Law campaign to stop its Muslim citizens – of either sex - celebrating Valentine's Day - labelling it ‘one of the Great Satan’s devices’ that could encourage people to enjoy themselves in an immoral manner.

The government-run Department of Islamic Retardation, which handles religious policies, has launched a publicity campaign called ‘Awas Jerat Valentine's Day’ (Mind the Heathen’s St Valentine's Day Trap).
Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the department's chief spoilsport, told state media: "In reality, as well as historically, the celebration of Saint Valentine's Feast Day is synonymous with romance, and activities of vice and carnal sins – with men and women responding to each other’s touches in flowing, Tantric rhythms, then reaching synchronised plateaus of orgasmic nirvana. So obviously anything that erotic and sexually satisfying, involving sweaty brown bodies, is ‘haram’ and a no-no under Sharia Law.”

Back on the secular level of government, Deputy Prime Minister, Tunku Datu Ratu-Tatu, speaking in Kuala Lumpur to one journalist from the Killjoys Gazette, said Monday's 14th February celebration of romantic love was not suitable for Malay Muslims – or Malay Roman Catholics either – unless it was the church priest ‘grooming’ the odd choirboy or two.

Ms Minjeeter Jaffacake, speaker of the Dewan Rakyat (Lower House of Parliament) announced at a press conference “We will be having our Mutaween religious police reinforced with teams of I-Spy grassers from the ‘Renta Snitch’ security agency – plus all of KL’s licensed street whores will be under strict orders to ‘Kiss n Text’ after each Valentine’s Day quickie at any of the city’s Slut Hut Motels – or even a knee trembler up an outlying kampong alley around Dogger’s Wood – then the Mutaween Stasi will be swooping down on their tuk-tuks and making arrests of the lewd seducers.”

The draconic anti-Valentine's Day campaign imposed by the country's Islamic authorities goes back to a fatwa issued by that raving, sectionable lunatic ‘Mahmud Iskandar’, the bonkers Sultan of Johore, in 2005, following him getting a proverbial bee in his bonnet that Saint Valentine’s roots were of Christian – or pagan - origin – and hence directly associated with the Great Satan of the West – and as such celebrations could well lead to men and women getting all hot and bothered and copulating out of wedlock – an act of immoral and even criminal behaviour – most definitely had no place in polite Islamic society: unlike bludgeoning golf caddys to death with a chipper – or blowing a crowd of infidel commuters to smithereens while wearing a suicide vest stuffed with Semtex.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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